I’m done.

With school, with these people (excluding you guys all here), I just want to pick up and leave.

Kind of like my brother did.

I’m so hurt he just left me here. We always said, If one of us decides to just run away, we’d take the other one. Just so we could get out of this hellhole. But he left without me to be with his girlfriend of not even 2 months. If I ever see him again, I might just knock him out. What really hurt, what cut the deepest, was his letter. He wrote, "I love you, but I love Melissa more." How can he say that!?  

I can’t begin to explain how many fights and arguements I’ve gotten into because of him. He’s hearing impared, he has 55% hearing lose in one ear, and 57% in the other ear. He always had to wear hearing aids when we were growing up. So many kids, in elementary school mainly, would make it whistle. I wanted no one hurting my brother, that’s my brother. I can’t begin to count how many kids I’ve screamed at, I’ve beaten up, got fined, suspended, screamed at by my family, community service, called a "reject" and a "disgrace" by my own family, for him. All for him.

And he just up and leaves? I wouldn’t, no, I have never even thought to do that. I’m so frustrated. Is this all because of him getting arrested? Because we wuoldn’t "drop it"? Of course we didn’t drop it, it happened like, 3 or 4 days ago. Our mother and father would have kicked me to the curb if I got arrested. Things are so different between us. He’s had an easy life compared to mine. Our parents have kicked me out. I’ve earned everything I own… All he had to do was put on his smilely face and he’s get it.

I’ve put so much energy into everything here lately, I’m honestly exhausted.

We found my (great) Uncle Jack, I’m so relieved. He had a tee shirt on, shorts, and no shoes on. It was raining, and it was kind of cold. Hopefully he doesn’t get sick. He’s still scared, nervous. My family keeps telling me, "That’s you when you’re 60." It really scares me. If they knew how much it bothered me, they’d probably think I’m really crazy. Well, I know what half of them would say, "Grow up."

My other (great) Uncle Dennis, is still on the vent. I hope he’ll be okay…

Everything is just taking it’s toll on me, in some way, shape and form.

I’m sick of this RND crap. It would drive a perfectly sane person, totally nuts.

I am done. I’m not going to pretend to be happy. If I’m miserable, I’ll complain. I’m going to lose everyone, I already know this. But the people I do have, aren’t really worth keeping. And teh ones that are worth keeping, wish I would just go away, or at least shut up.

Click, click, click.

I can hear it.

It will not go away. It’s in every room. I have to talk over it. I can’t hear over it. Everything sounds so faint. Sometimes if I concentrate really hard, I can see words falling from their mouth.

I’m freaking out, pretty much. There’s a light, the street light. There’s a tree in front of it. When the wind blows, it hides or reveals it. It’s making me incrediably nervous. If I glance up, for a split second, for one instant, I’ll see this giant eyeball. It’s been for the past few days. I think.

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, being online is making me so paranoid.

xx.

 

 

1 Comment
  1. cynthiaz 12 years ago

    the click, click, click I hear is the ticking of the clocks in the empty house i live in reminding me of the dead time that is passing. Is that the clicking you hear or is it something else?

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