Today I woke up angry.  This depression is driving me crazy here it's lasted for 2 weeks this time.  The meds are helping because without them I'm constantly thinking of a way to end it all but with the meds it's like have an FM flare it will go away but while it's here it racks havoc!  I don't know why I wake up angry, some days I wake up ok and ready to start the day with my grandson but days like this I'm numb, don't want to be around anyone, just wanna go back to bed and stay there.  I'm tired, tired of fighting my pain, fighting the depression which both go hand in hand.  I'm tired of being call lazy because they don't understand it's not laziness it's extreme pain that keeps me from even getting up to use the bathroom it hurts that bad.  So now I'm lazy and need to just shake it off as advised by my family.  I wonder if they'd understand if I went to the ER later on because I can't move without screaming?  Probably not.  Probably just say I'm trying to get attention there's nothing wrong with me…..

I've made a few really good friends on here that do understand so I come here all the time for reassurance.  Even these friends don't know the extent of my depression and what brought me to be this way and probably never will cause it's too hard to talk about.  I have some other friends on here too or I don't know if I would call them friends or not because they are so sweet and caring one night and then the next night they have nothing to do with you….what kind of friend is that or am I confused on what a friend is?

I don't want to go to bed at night because I don't know how I will feel in the morning but most of all I don't want to fight those monsters that keep invading my dreams.  One thing I will tell and then whoever cares can take it from there.  I used to watch my mom iron clothes on the front portch, my dad traveled a lot.  I remember him coming home and then I don't know what set him off but he came out of the house screaming at me and scaring me to death.  I tried to run but he was in front of me holding the chair and I couldn't get out…..then I remember him saying bad little girls who get into things need their hands punished, little girls don't get into mommy's purse and then I'm jerked to the ironing board, then my hands are spread out and both my hands are ironed as if I was a shirt………..I was 4 yrs old.