I feel subtly depressed, not so much as when I was eating sugary cereal this morning. I enjoyed the french toast without maple syrup – GAWD I sound priss – but the cereal was just too much. I think this depression stems from who I am and who I want to be. My sister, my mom they all like sugar eating food as if with not a care in the world. Well, I guess it’s sugary relative to my likes and now even my likes are changing and it feels scary because 1) I take myself so seriously and 2) I don’t know if it’s me or just some anorexia override talking (and its always been like that; everytime there’s a change going on in my life – food is right there – central- asking me what I want. It’s not about food, though. It never is… of course I read something yesterday saying fructose impairs memory but its never about just one little nitty-gritty detail.) And I bet this run-around with food has just as much to do with boredom. I mean seriously I am not the most ambitious person but sometimes it feels as if I should – or could – be doing more. Instead of applying this knowledge to my whole life – my default mechanism is food, a tangible start. Its also about patience, I’ve never been the most patient person, as soon as I get in a funk there’s a tendency to catastrophise – What’s wrong with my life? In truth, there’s nothing wrong, its just my personality telling me I want more and as long as you have plans for this more – its all set. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting more, it’s just how you approach it. Sometimes too, its difficult. Difficult when you have family member pulling you one way – feeling stuck in the middle… Ahh!!!- and others suggesting a different direction. Sometimes it feels like you need space but perhaps a more suitable addition could be of needing patience.
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