So, this online counsellor believes I have taken on a 'saviour' persona and see myself only as that and have done so for many, many years. She figures that I should see a long term therapist to try to establish my identity so that I figure out what I really value, what I really want, etc. She cautioned against simply giving up my saviour persona (cause it may push me to depression), but I should tone it down considerably and set limits and try to focus on saving my own self.
That actually works with the way I perceive my situtation. Despite my reticence to believe an email counselling service would help me out, I found that I can more clearly and concisely state what is going on, and what I need, in print.
So, I took a walk last night and ended up at my storage locker across town. I looked through a couple things and found my Briggs-Myer Personality test I did a couple years ago for career counselling prior to getting my BA. I am an INTP… only 1 to 5 % of the population is of this type lol. No wonder I don't feel like I fit in anywhere…
It's funny that just today I read a comment on my last blog to check into my personality type; good advice, I think looking at the social side of INTP really does give me a starting place of what I need to do to balance out my approach to life.
It is also interesting and funny as hell that Einstein was an INTP. Now I am intelligent, but no friggin genius, but boy oh boy, do I have Einstein's way with dressing and grooming 🙂
The counsellor figures it could take up to 2 years of therapy to 'build my identity', and she encouraged me to invest the time and money to do so. Don't know if I'm willing to do that, but I have to consider getting some help. Right today I feel good, but my life usually feels empty and often feels desperate. I can mask this problem and I can survive the pain it causes me, but would I advise someone else to do the same? No.
Maybe it is time to save myself.
Peace, tout le monde.
Avoiding your issues will only make them grow until they get your attention to the point that taking care of them becomes a priority. Nothing is ever brought to a happy conclusion by ignoring it.
Hmmmm.
What do you believe to be the case?
Thanks guys,
I am moving on it. It may be a month or two before I can get the therapy sessions figured out, but I will be doing enquiries and thinking about 'me' during that time.
As to the 'saviour persona', it basically means I have a compulsion to help people to the point of ignoring my own needs. For instance, financially I'm in deep debt primarily by helping my grown kids above what they really need and helping out a friend that can't take care of her own situation. It makes them too dependent on me and leaves me having to work for longer than I think I can handle my present job (was going to take early retirement at a very reduced pension, but can't because of the debt).
I'll drop everything, burn off leave and have skiipped classes at university to help out friends when the situation was not that dire.
See, I have no framework of why people like me, outside of them needing me. Friendship is give and take, but so far I don't feel that I give anything (and I really don't take anything overall)… so I offer up time when they need to talk or need a hand with something or I'll give up my last dollar to help them. It is in essence, trying to buy love or friendship. It's been very rare in my life to feel just accepted by others for being me. If I don't know who 'me' is, have always assumed nurturing or other roles as a cover, then how can anyone really accept me for being 'me'?
I have stunted social development. According to my experience and to my INTP results, I think in logical, large concept ways. That can appear very rude, arrogant and condescending to others. Yet, in my heart I believe I am insignificant compared to those around me. So, although I believe I am a caring person and want to help others, that one part of me that I feel is accepted by others has thrown the other parts of my identity entirely out of balance. That part of me is exaggerated and works as a block to developing less developed parts of who I am. I am lost in my own cover and very hollow beneath it.
Most everything I've just written is just stream of consciousness, but I do feel it has a ring of truth about it.
At the base of my unhappiness and loneliness is that I do have a personality that is very unique. It does not mesh well with most other personality types. I can get giddy talking about science, economics, even politics, while I watch my more conventional acquaintances roll their eyes in boredom. My stating a logical and correct argument to a loved one without considering that person's feelings has more than once caused someone emotional pain.
But I don't regret looking at the stars at night and feeling so insignificant and yet feel my life is such a beautiful miracle at the same time. I don't regret being able to remain rational and logical in a crisis (that's when I generally get very focused). I don't regret being able to do geek out on getting up at 4am in the morning to painstakingly listen through the ether of the ionisphere to pick up a 1/2 hour noisy broadcast from Radio Australia just to know it can be done.
But I do have to moderate some tendencies and work on my social skills and find the balance between being a friend and a sycophant. I do have to figure out how to help people without being a martyr. You know, I've been in my job for 29 years… I wanted to quit in the first year, but then I met my ex-wife (who needed help – or who I pushed my help on) and her little 3 year old (my daughter) and then my son came along years later, so I stuck with that secure job. I did it for them, I really did.
I did shift work, did the majority of the dishes/cleaning cooking and did at least half of the child rearing. I obliterated me for them… actually I hid away in them, in the role I constructed, I did that for me, not them. The job was definitely for all of us, but the subjugation of me was done by me to me. Because I wasn't worthy of anything, but the caretaker role I clumsily slapped together was something I felt was worthy of love/respect.
So, yeah, I got issues.
Half of what I've just written is probably bull-crap. But it is maybe a start to a solution. So if anyone reads this through, good luck with it. I guess we can all read into it what we want, but for me it is just trying to peel the onion. Maybe too introspective, but I think it may indicate that the consellor may be right… I'm as batty as they come lol.
Peace and thanks for this little forum
Hey Radagast,
Thanks for the comment. I thought about what you posted, but I really do insert myself at times when I shouldn't. I also don't stop helping when I should back out. Sometimes it would be smart to stop because it would respect the other person more and sometimes it would respect myself more and sometimes its a bit of both.
A counsellor isn't really an apt term for me, because when you go for your therapy, when the hour (or 45 min hour) is up, it's up until the next meeting. I have listened and tried to support a friend for 4 or 5 hours after working a full 12 hour night shift and my body is crying for bed. I could have told her to wait til I got some sleep before we got into her problems, but I put her (sometimes questionable) need above my own. Plus, I do do other things such as helping with money, moving friends on the drop of a dime, moving my plans to do some not so pressing things for friends or families.
It's really my problem. I set up the expectation of never saying no, and I often call up and ask if I could help them with anything. I know there is a two way street here, but I can't do much about their choices.
I'm not a saviour, that's for sure, I'm just trying hard to pretend to be (and doing a lousy job 🙂
Really like the Aristotle quote. For me, what a brave act would be is to stop the charade and figure out what works best with myself and work on getting some balance. I think I'm afraid of what I may be.
Thanks for making me think.
To AGC, \
Thanks for the comment. It's been a long time coming, but change is going to happen soon and is happening now. So either I face my problems and work out my situation or go rudderless down a very fast and dangerous turn in the river. Ignore my sh** and your right.. I'm going to go onto the rocks.
To Aswa,
Thanks for the comment. I think in my last comment I pretty well answered your question (to the best of my ability). But really I don't know what to think. Except that I've got to crack this egg open and try to understand who I really am.
Peace