Well it has been awhile, I have been just carrying on with everyday life trying to get used to new responsibilities in my new job. Sometimes I'm the person left In Charge and I really have to have my head screwed on. As you know (or maybe not) my mum died and I have been struggling with that as I always turned to her to discuss things. My health has been declining and I have been the recipient of a couple of ambulance rides, lots of tests and now the result is that I have to have open heart surgery sometime within the next 90 days. WOW I said it out loud. I really want to feel well again and be able to go out with family and actually KEEP UP. I don't want to feel like the 98YO with severe asthma and 1/2 a lung. No offence to anyone. And so tired all the time I can't move.Im still youngish.

So in saying that I also have been hurting myself in my depression again. YES I KNOW Im stupid and I dont know why I do it. I stop taking my meds then go into withdrawal and the worse I feel and the less I can do anything, the harder it is to get out of. I deserve to feel bad. I am a useless piece of blubber who cannot do anything right. I dont intend to go off them I run out but dont feel I can get out to go to the chemist. Something stops me. I cant get dressed or anything. I sit I eat until I run out of everything.

My Sister yelled at me like she did to mum, "Why should I help you at all if you're not prepared to get your backside off the chair and help yourself" and I know I should but she doesn't realize just how impossible it is at times to actually move. She's stronger than me both physically and emotionally.

Now I am sat here thinking I am just plain scared, I know all will be OK and I know everyone will be around to assist and I know I know I know all of it but Im just scared and I need Mum I need a hug and I need a bloody good cry. Why me? I am just a big baby. VERY BIG. ( with a sense of humour.) Didnt sleep last night. Working the next two nights. Have an assignment due and cant get my head around it to even start . Stop the World I want to get off. Its all just going too fast and I dont know if I can cope anymore.