As I try to work on my assignments due in October, I find my mood going even lower than before. An example is "Make a list of major stressors in your life presently and discuss how well you manage them" Oh that's easy considering I don't know how to manage them in a positive way. After all of these years in therapy, you'd think I'd have better coping skills. Writing seems to have the adverse affect, self harm is not accepted by people and aparently not healthy, and when I ask advice–like last week–it backfires on me.
I guess I'll end this before I…hell I'm already feeling low and worthless, what do I care? There are only a few things I can think of that will make me want to keep trying and I feel like those are useless dreams. How many birthday candles have I wished on for someone who loved me and showed it? I have the someThings–my pets–but I need someone to…just be a rock for me. Give me a damn reason to keep fighting. At present I don't have one!! My grandma was that for a while but then…well nevermind.
Once, after a particularly bad day–haha I feel I'm having a week of this already–a member did something for me that brought me to tears…they may not know what an effect the simple act did but I wish I could say it lasted a long time. But I guess I just got lucky there. Afterall, I've been struggling with self-esteem for as long as I can remember and can only recall a couple of times where I felt…loved, accepted or care for. There isn't much that could help me I guess. I feel as the days go by and my mood stays the same, the things that could help me become further out of reach and farther between.