I think the therapist I had when I was first diagnosed was the best one. Even the one I’m seeing now, I don’t feel I can tell her how I’m really feeling. It’s not really counseling as it is activities. I’m working in a self esteem book because I have none whatsoever and I don’t think I’ve ever had much. It askes you to write down your miracle day. What’s the point if I’m so keen on thinking it will never happen?
It got really personal, she asked how our parents diciplined us. I told her the truth–I seem to be unable to lie to anyone face-to-face. Has either parent ever abused you. Well it depends on what you consider abuse. She said if it left a mark, it was considered abuse. WTF?? My parents got belts taken to them and the turned out alright. Ok so maybe there were a few times a punishment or spanking could be abuse but what’s the point of bringing it up when it happened more than ten years ago? If it was unintentionally damaging to my self esteem or whatever, what’s going to happen ten years after the fact? A scar is a scar, they rarely go away, I’ve plenty of self inflicted ones to attest to that.
Was she trying to make me feel like my parents were bad people? I was spoiled when I was younger, I don’t think parents abuse AND spoil their children. But it maybe true, I don’t know. This is from my perspective.
The memories are with me and unless there is away to get rid of them, they’ll stay with me. One that really hurts, I was more concerned for my little brother…my father got mad, not sure why, I had a smart mouth as a kid maybe that was it. He got mad and I think grabbed my arms. All I remember is my bed sliding along the wood floor as I sat on it and he gripped my arms…I still remember my brother crying and asking him to stop. That hurt more than any spanking ever did…I don’t know if I should even "publish" this. I don’t care…the scares are already with me so what does it matter? I can only hope my brother doesn’t remember the incident.