I've been able to resist depression since June. I've had rough patches since the last time I felt major depression, but they were more anxiety-based.
Everything's just piled up. I had been trying to deal with things as they came but I guess I didn't deal with it effectively enough or there was simply too much to handle to begin with and it was more than I could manage. I'm not sure if it's me or my current mood, but I feel compelled to go with the former. I've felt myself slipping for awhile though it was only something I was aware of in the back of my mind. It never came into focus until recently. I think I just didn't want to deal with it. While I might've been aware on some level of how putting my head done and just trying to push through it might've been, I did it anyway. I think I thought I'd be able to get away with cutting corners. I might be wrong, but I feel like with depression and anxiety you slip up once and you're screwed. I think it's like an addiction in some ways.

I've tried to deal with what triggers my depression as the triggers come up in different ways but nothing seems to work. Dealing with it mindfully seemed like my best bet; just being aware, compassionate and patient. It all sounds good in theory but there's more to it. I haven’t worked out the details of it; I just don't know what to do and how to do it. I think that's what gets me, not to mention the huge amount of mental and emotional energy it uses. When dealing with depression through mindfulness vigilance seems to be key, but fuck, it's so hard. Especially when the person you're doing it for is You. People with depression aren't exactly known to be the most self-compassionate and self-loving people. That's what trying to heal is. Trying to get well is way of showing yourself love. And it's incredibly difficult. It's the opposite of what many of us do. A lot of us (myself included) think that we'll get ourselves out of depression by being hard on ourselves, almost trying to beat the depression out, punishing ourselves like it's a personal flaw and we're to blame for it. It's emotional and mental abuse.
When I burnout after trying to deal with what I think is the "right" way I try to let depression have a voice so-to-speak. I honor it and whatever other negative feelings I might have, and just try to let it's course… sort of. I put a limit on how long it gets to flow. I'm worried I'll get swept up and away with it. So I'm not really letting it express itself at all. It still stays within certain boundaries, certain confines. And maybe it's for the best, maybe letting it just be and just letting myself feel it this way isn't the right way of going about dealing with feelings I want to be free of.
I also try just pushing through it like I mentioned before. Which is the opposite of my previous approach. I block it out to the best of my ability. I cut the depressed thoughts off before I've even fully thought them. Cut off or not, they still have their full effect only now I can't reach the thought so I don't even know what caused my unhappiness and I've no idea how to respond to it or what to do to calm it. I'm aware that this isn't a healthy way of dealing with it, but like my other ways, I do it to keep myself from succumbing to it and finding myself being pulled under and drowning.
Then I guess I also sometimes combine the last two approaches. I try to pick the best of both and it seems like a good idea in theory but I get so overwhelmed with trying to figure out the "right" thing to do, the "right" way to respond to depressed thoughts and actions, and trying to figure out whether a thought or action is "okay" or whether it's me slipping. I find myself feeling like I'm walking a tightrope with no safety net.
I'm sure I've other coping strategies, but these four seem to be the only ones I do consciously.
I'm scared right now. I feel like I've exhausted these strategies and I feel like I'm about to be swept under. It's the last thing I want. I don't know what to do.
Part of me would be relieved… to give in, or be swept under. That part is a lot smaller than it used to be but it's definitely there. I guess it's sort of a twisted silver lining. At least someone's getting what they want.
I've been able to resist depression since June. I've had rough patches since the last time I felt major depression, but they were more anxiety-based.
Everything's just piled up. I had been trying to deal with things as they came but I guess I didn't deal with it effectively enough or there was simply too much to handle to begin with and it was more than I could manage. I'm not sure if it's me or my current mood, but I feel compelled to go with the former. I've felt myself slipping for awhile though it was only something I was aware of in the back of my mind. It never came into focus until recently. I think I just didn't want to deal with it. While I might've been aware on some level of how putting my head done and just trying to push through it might've been, I did it anyway. I think I thought I'd be able to get away with cutting corners. I might be wrong, but I feel like with depression and anxiety you slip up once and you're screwed. I think it's like an addiction in some ways.

I've tried to deal with what triggers my depression as the triggers come up in different ways but nothing seems to work. Dealing with it mindfully seemed like my best bet; just being aware, compassionate and patient. It all sounds good in theory but there's more to it. I haven’t worked out the details of it; I just don't know what to do and how to do it. I think that's what gets me, not to mention the huge amount of mental and emotional energy it uses. When dealing with depression through mindfulness vigilance seems to be key, but fuck, it's so hard. Especially when the person you're doing it for is You. People with depression aren't exactly known to be the most self-compassionate and self-loving people. That's what trying to heal is. Trying to get well is way of showing yourself love. And it's incredibly difficult. It's the opposite of what many of us do. A lot of us (myself included) think that we'll get ourselves out of depression by being hard on ourselves, almost trying to beat the depression out, punishing ourselves like it's a personal flaw and we're to blame for it. It's emotional and mental abuse.
When I burnout after trying to deal with what I think is the "right" way I try to let depression have a voice so-to-speak. I honor it and whatever other negative feelings I might have, and just try to let it's course… sort of. I put a limit on how long it gets to flow. I'm worried I'll get swept up and away with it. So I'm not really letting it express itself at all. It still stays within certain boundaries, certain confines. And maybe it's for the best, maybe letting it just be and just letting myself feel it this way isn't the right way of going about dealing with feelings I want to be free of.
I also try just pushing through it like I mentioned before. Which is the opposite of my previous approach. I block it out to the best of my ability. I cut the depressed thoughts off before I've even fully thought them. Cut off or not, they still have their full effect only now I can't reach the thought so I don't even know what caused my unhappiness and I've no idea how to respond to it or what to do to calm it. I'm aware that this isn't a healthy way of dealing with it, but like my other ways, I do it to keep myself from succumbing to it and finding myself being pulled under and drowning.
Then I guess I also sometimes combine the last two approaches. I try to pick the best of both and it seems like a good idea in theory but I get so overwhelmed with trying to figure out the "right" thing to do, the "right" way to respond to depressed thoughts and actions, and trying to figure out whether a thought or action is "okay" or whether it's me slipping. I find myself feeling like I'm walking a tightrope with no safety net.
I'm sure I've other coping strategies, but these four seem to be the only ones I do consciously.
I'm scared right now. I feel like I've exhausted these strategies and I feel like I'm about to be swept under. It's the last thing I want. I don't know what to do.
Part of me would be relieved… to give in, or be swept under. That part is a lot smaller than it used to be but it's definitely there. I guess it's sort of a twisted silver lining. At least someone's getting what they want.
9/30/'15 3:14AM