As the day comes to a close and my brother leaves to go back to his apartment, I am reminded of how much he has grown up and how much I am…well behind. I know part of this is holiday blues but they seem to get worse every year. Ever since 2009, I have managed to stay out of the hospital, until October that is. My parents are struggling to pay that bill…and others. I wish I felt strong to where I could work and get behind the damn wheel and learn to drive. But alas, fear consumes me.
I keep having the negative thoughts about ending my life and how much more cost effective that would be. I know that is twisted but I feel I'd be so much better off dead. My family could stop worrying when is it going to finally happen or whatever.
I talked with two of my cousins today. My younger cousin, L, manages to deal with her depression without medications. L and her brother seem so close…I envy that. I often wonder if my brother gives a damn about me. I never seem to get him the right thing for his birthday or Christmas so I tried a picture frame with his dog…never could tell if he gave a damn…I feel like the massage ticket (or whatever) was because he had to. He gave my mom the same thing but I feel there was an obligation in it.He managed to get ourdad a beautiful 12 string guitar and I felt like a third wheel when he gave our parents their gifts. I feel so pathetic, I either fear something or have no motivation to attempt it. What good am I? What could I possibly contribute to this family?Surely I'd be better off…not here…
-
Cry Over Me
sadviolinist, , Depression, Anger, Career, Chronic Pain, Depression, Sleep Disorders, Stress, Therapy, Weight Loss, 1
"Cry Over Me" ~ Meatloaf Another night sleepless I don't want to feel this Nothing can stop this pain...
-
What I AM Thankful For
sadviolinist, , Depression, Bipolar, Child, Parenting, Relationships, Sleep Disorders, Therapist, 3
SO after talking to a couple of friends today I should write a blog about what I am thankful...
-
A Little Bit of Everything
sadviolinist, , Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Grief, Sleep Disorders, 4
Today has started out rainy and gray again. It's bringing me down instead of comforting me like usual. Maybe...
-
I can''t beleive I did that…
mamabear18, , Depression, Bipolar, Divorce, Stress, 0
I did something terrible this evening. Ever since I started these new meds I’ve been suffering terrible migraines and...
-
Everything
MForeverChained, , Depression, Relationships, Sleep Disorders, Therapist, 0
Went to my counselor today since she's an intern, she needs the experience. She's actually helped me a lot...
-
None
Steph_jn, , Depression, Child, Depression, 0
Today I woke up very dark and sad but I was able to push through, get up, shower, log...
-
Ace to visit / Photography in progress
thebadkitty, , Depression, Depression, 0
Doing my best… I saw my shrink today. He was nice. Always is… I think he’s a pretty good...
-
Things are doing better
godsgal81, , Depression, ADHD, Bipolar, Medication, OCD, Relationships, Sleep Disorders, 0
The last time I wrote things were extremely stressful with DH ( Dear Husband) things have calmed down a...