It was quite cold today, brrr. But it did manifest some good research time. I am still on the rejection part but I did do some mindful awareness, I was just sitting on my computer, looking at things after my research and something occured to me, I can also have an emotional dependence on other things like the television and the internet. There are certain things that I watch and browse through that can feed that dependence, even on a small scale. In other words I was just consuming, not doing or creating anything. Mentally I am going through the dependency, with the expectation that the people on tv can never disappoint me, that I am safe because I can pick a comedy to laugh, a romantic movie to fantasize about some romantic scenario I've never been in or will, and horror to quench a vengeful urge of all the people that rejected me on some level.

It was an eye opening experience and thought. And I am starving that beast because its time indtead to think of other ways of expression than fantastical consumption and emotional depencency. Art is a great way to express emotions, on paper, creating, today looks to be a drawing day, a day for IDEAS. And exercise, I have a craving to get moving now, even in cold weather conditions, even for a short time.

The research I was looking up was on meditation, and I think mindful awareness will nowbe a permanent addition to my vocabulary. In the midst of cutting emotional dependency I needed to see how it has manifested in my life because in the big picture of things I can see its effects and how it has survived in my life to cause destruction. And mindful awareness helps with this to not only see it and stop it and so far plugging the holes causes that energy to de diverted to something else.

Here are a few definitions I found:

Several definitions ofmindfulnesshave been used in modern psychology. According to various prominent psychological definitions,Mindfulnessrefers to a psychological quality that involves

bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis,[7]

or involves

paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally,[7]

or involves

a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is

Next, I will use this awareness to take a close lookat these fantasies and messages I been sending to my brain to further starve that beast.