NSFW,Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence

I have never been squeamish about the topic of rape, assault, and sexual abuse. This blog post is themed that way, so I warn you now to leave if you are easily bothered by such topics-I don't want to trigger anyone without a warning. (Or at all, really). I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable. This blogging is for my benefit as a release. If you trigger easily, please leave this page.

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Don't get me wrong though, maybe I'm just exposed through the theme, through life and the media. Fellow horror fans can't watch "I Spit On Your Grave" or "Last House On The Left" because it makes them extremely uncomfortable. I guess I should be more empathetic about that…Rape scenes have never been something I squirmed at. Though confusion…confusion makes me…dizzy and uncomfortable. A few weeks ago, I watched a documentary called "Just, Melvin" and it ended up being a very huge trigger I had to down with copious amounts of wine. Stockholm syndrome, the confusion of forced sexuality at such a young age, especially with a relative. Torn apart between society telling you this and that-to love your relatives…but hate that relative…hate that sex…while biologically….it is very confusing. Something I try to block out of my mind…so I'm going to move on for the sake of this post.

When I was a preteen, I frequently had rape dreams. For the most part, these made me uncomfortable. Almost always, I was with an older man, a disgusting, older man or a friend's dad or someone I knew in real life. In the dream, I didn't like it-I'd freeze up…but I accepted it. Those went on for a while.

But they stopped for a few years, probably in my last two years of high school.

The rape dreams came back this year, around early 2014. There was an incident in the fall semester of 2013 that can be attributed to these dreams…but I feel like it shouldn't bother me to the point to still be dreaming about it 7, 8 months later. This summer has been an array of such dreams. But instead of old men, the men are closer to my age-teenagers, young adults….and I have less control. Instead of giving in without a fight-I'll pull away, repeatedly say "no" very clearly and loudly, and when they keep getting up all in my space, that's when I realize they're not going to stop. (I actually had another instance freshman year of college where I went over to a friend's place to watch a movie. I told him repeatedly over the night that I didn't want to have sex with him. Yet towards the end, he kept carressing me, and putting his hand back on me when I pushed it away. When the movie ended, he rolled on top of me and started to lean in agressively and I repeatedly said "no, no, no" I had to say it 8-10 times before he stopped and said "alright," but for a second there, I was scared he wasn't going to stop. Lucky me.)

Anyway, I'm just struggling a little bit as to why these dreams came back. Supposedly, I'm still thinking about the events last fall and these dreams are supposed to represent a distrust and anger toward the opposite sex-men. I suppose I do feel that way, especially lately, but not to the point for it to bother me enough to seep into my subconscious. People are people, both sexes have their good people and bad people. I'm just a little…frustrated. When the dreams went away, I felt like I had finally moved on from my childhood, I had finally stopped letting my preteen years get to me and eat away at me.

The dreams make me feel weak again. It's like a sign of weakness, an inner battle that I'm still fighting-that I should have already conquered. 8 months is enough to get over a few assholes.

This year has been especially tough depression-wise. But I've also been getting help. I'm seeing a psychiatrist. (well, supposedly-he cancelled the last appointment & the receptionist never picks up her phone so it's hard to reschedule). But still. I'm on Sertralin which is helping a little bit, but I'm on the beginning dose, and I feel like I need a higher dose before I can manage my anxiety and depression. Been craving cigarettes this past month, too, but not before. July 1st marked 1 year since I quit smoking.