Seven years since I first started loggingonto DT. Nine years since thedepression started showing its first signs.

I've started paying a little bit more attention of my menstrual cycle and its role in my depression and anxiety. I've only tracked my moods and symptoms for the past few months, but there's a pattern, at least so far. If my depressive episodes are linked with my hormones, then it makes sense that my mind first started to shut down around the age of eleven and also why my depression was slightly different in its first year or so as compared to now (as I didn't start my menstrual cycles until age thirteen). Sorry for any TMI, readers-writing this down just helps me to organize my thoughts, set things straight in my head.

The depression is still on and off, like clockwork. Stopped taking the Sertralin (I probably shouldn't have without doctor recommendation, but seeing even the PCP is expensive enough), the dosage size was just making me sick and doesn't make any considerable difference-though it's hard to tell. Stopped taking Birth Control as well, which is how I started tracking my depression in relation to my regular hormonal changes. Things are slightly more natural, and I'm not getting much action anyway and don't plan to without protection anyway. The struggle of constantly changing pills (and all the general sh*t that comes with that) to find which prescription happened to not make me have a period every 10 days…it wasn't worth it.

My depressive episodes, though generally the same, have been a little bit shorter, to the point that I don't even know if I can call it "depression" anymore as much as short periods where I feel very down, very shut off and finished. And my anxiety seems to do the same; just as strong as ever, still very frequently on and off, but…I feel if I take care of myself more, it will help.

Which, of course, I haven't been doing. Haven't been on caffeine cycles at all this summer, but with my previous summer course and internship, I've gotten out of habit of the gym work I used to do freshman year of college. Man, I miss those days, I was a babe.

My current internship and my regular desk job isn't helping much; I'm just drained at the end of the day…on the rare occasions I do have time to cook, I don't have time to clean my kitchen in order to cook. I've gotten so out of habit of…life. I need to clean. I need to pack my apartment to move out. I need to cook and take care of myself. I need to make time for these things.

But all I want to do is sleep and lay around. And when I do those things, I feel my blood thickening; little blood clots pushing through my veins at random intervals. Because I'm not exercising. Like I should be.

And I know the solution…to just force myself to get up and take more energy in things. And lately I've been saying "I'll do it tomorrow" and when tomorrow comes, I just can't find motivation. I know this happens with people a lot-hell, it happens to me all the time…but for some reason, I can't fight. My willpower is so weak right now and I don't understand. I justdon't want to move forward, and I've become a lazy potato…and it's my own fault. I've been bad before, maybe worse than this, but not like this, as a working adult with responsibilities. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I just can't push myself to do things.

And then I'll re-examine that thought and think "can't, that's not right. It's my own fault, it's all in my head and if I just threw that thought away and got off my fat *ss, I'd actually be better," and yet the days don't change, except my move-out date just gets closer and closer. It's almost like…something physical is blocking me from doing anything-but I know that isn't case. It's all mental. What the hell is wrong with me. What the hell am I even doing, wasting my life like this. I don't want to do anything. It's not even an everlasting swallow of sorrow or despair, that comes in depression episodes…instead, it's just apathy. Pure apathy, and a resulting frustration in myself, and an even stronger, overlying exhaustion.

Getting out of a bad romantic experience. Brazilian exchange student. Just a child; 19 years old, but very inexperienced…and apparently not…responsible, mature. It's ended as a disaster. I turn into a monster. And unlike most souls I have danced with, he becomes complacent, apathetic. Doesn't respond any messages, doesn't send me any, can't be honest with me. Gives no explanation. I tried being as nice and helpful and mature as I could be until I just got tired of it. No sign of caring. Just, honestly, he turned into a little childish d*ck about everything; which is agonizing. He's so passionate, visionary, smart about other things in his life. But he just changed into a child which…makes me feel like a child.

And I get so frustrated and emotional and feel myself bubbling over, but instead of abating, the emotions just build and get worse because he says, does nothing. He averts eye contact, he doesn't say anything, he doesn't take any responsibility or say "how are you doing?" or "let's keep our distance" or "yeah, I'm finishing up my research right now, I'm pretty busy."

It's been a frustrating process and I feel hurt. His friends were nice too. So it hurts to think that I'm ruining my reputation with those friendly, intelligent people. Not like as if I'm putting them on a pedestal, but they were good people.

And that's something I noticed with the cultural difference between Americans and Brazillians. Brazillians are so friendly. They smile so much, laugh so much. They're you're friends and are welcoming, loving, passionate; they're just little balls of sunshine.

I've noticed that I've become so closed off and shelled; so stone cold and angry.

I have a soft spot inside my shell; deep down-but I guard it all off. And it's frustrating. I miss my happy, vulnerable self. I miss being nice to people and trusting people. Initially I'd say that my coldness really started when CPS screwed around with my family and my mother stopped talking to me-but it started even earlier than that, its roots-the weird years of the eighth grade when puberty was confusing and girls were mean and the bullying was a serious problem and the abuse was even worse.

I worry people think I'm a mean, cold b*tch. Well, usually I try to not worry what others think as it just makes the anxiety much, much worse. But lately, I feel that no one can really see…past my shell. And I'm just digging myself a hole into loneliness where no one really likes me and thinks I'm a c*nt with a stick up her *ss all the time.

I want to break away this shell. But I don't know how.

I feel like that's something that I would need professional help for, therapy-but I cannot afford that. I really can't, not with rent and groceries and school. The university doesn't accept my insurance either. It's just to the point where I feel at a standstill. I feel…lost. And I feel alone. I feel like all I do is whine and act cold and mean. I'm just tired of it.