I sit here today and I feel like Cathy (the other woman on reception) cannot stand me. In fact I feel like everyone I work with thinks something terrible about me, or feels sorry for me, or just wonders about me.
No one has done anything obvious to indicate this, and I keep telling myself it’s in my head. I feel extreme discomfort while having even simple conversations with people. I try to passify myself by putting things in my mouth.
I hate this job.
I hate this feeling.
I am extremely ashamed for no reason. Yesterday my roomate and I went to the gym. Afterwards we went for a drink. Justyna and Bruno came but we didn’t call Vincenzo and I feel very guilty about that today. Anyways I had a glass and a half of wine and somehow I was quite drunk without meaning to be, I suppose because I had been to the gym. I’m sure I didn’t do anything embarassing, or acted out in a way that made my roomates think badly of me. Regardless I feel ashamed, embarassed, and like I just shouldn’t have even had one drink.
I have feelings for Bruno and now I am analysing every single move I make around him. As in every situation with men I am looking far ahead, how will our marriage be (yes! marriage! Ive been “married” to probably 40 people in my mind already!), what our kids will be like, what kinds of situations we will encounter, or could encounter, even conversations of the future have been formed in my head. I see no problems with Bruno, in fact he seems perfect. But I am sabbotaging myself already because of this. Why would he love you? And the girl he was seeing in Brazil for 3 months before he came here? Who is to say they aren’t in love? And I am much younger. I act like a child. All I ever say is “when I was a child..”
or “didn’t you used to do this as a child?” or “I still do this from my childhood”. Like a broken record. Child Child Child.
I avoid feelings for people because I lose focus on myself completely to where they are the only thing on my mind before I even actually fall in love. I feel every emotion, sadness, contempt, jealousy, anger, happiness, and yes love as well. But none of this is expressed, it’s all in my head like something I am hoarding and afraid to let loose.
I dreamt vividly of mike (ex boyfriend) last night. I was walking by his apartment, and I saw him in the window. I didn’t want to peep because I was afraid he might see me and I had only stumbled into his neighborhood by accident. I walked away from the window but compulsion or curiosity brought me back again and again, and soon he was waving at me from the window. I waved back so he didn’t know I was embarassed to be seen. I walked away and a person in the shadows came to meet me, a new love perhaps. He kissed me but I turned away so Mike didn’t see. I didn’t want Mike to think that I was trying to upset him. I ended up somehow in Mikes house, and he had a child there. He and the child co-existed together as one, but neither payed attention to one another.
The child had striking eyes and I have vivid pictures of its face still in my mind today. Mike said very loathing things to me that I cannot remember now.
At another point in my dream I saw a man, and I don’t think I knew him well, but I had an overwhelming urge to grab his hand. I grabbed it but felt like I shouldn’t have afterward, and I let go and treated him like a friend whose shoulder I had just patted.
This morning Bruno and Vincenzo and I walked together before we hit a fork in the road. Vincenzo dissapeared as he sometimes does, and I said a casual goodbye to bruno, and I love that it is a normal goodbye to kiss on the cheek. Our lips almost touched and I was kind of hoping that was no mistake on Brunos part. I keep telling myself to not even think about things because I am leaving the city in two weeks, and Bruno might not even stay in Ireland, he might not even be back at the flat when I come home, and who is to say how I will feel after my travels? Maybe I will meet someone else. Maybe I simply won’t come back to Dublin. Maybe Bruno will be another guy I thought I could love, like Dan, who I realised was an asshole by the way. Maybe this. Maybe that. Like a broken record. Maybe Maybe Maybe.