I lost my 19 year old son Joshua on March 7, 2012.   This journey has shown me many different things about life, people, what’s important, what’s not.  I learned that those you think will be there for you during hard times may not, but others, ones you would never dream of-will be there.  I lost my best friend of 20 years because she just didn’t understand.  Compared losing her boyfriend of 3 months to me losing my son.   Growing up Josh had a lot of issues- could be the sweetest kid in the world one minute and the worst the next.  My life really was centered around trying to help him.  Years of therapy and counselors, inpatient, partial program then family therapy.  It was a difficult road but he was turning his life around.  After he died I questioned over and over again- what was the point of all that. To go through all that and then boom- he’s gone.  I did a few scholarships in his name, I wanted to keep his memory alive.  I wanted to take what knowledge I learned from all we went through and use that to help others.  But now, I just feel stuck.  Trapped in this darkness and wondering what happened.  It’s true when they say most relationships don’t survive the death of a child.  Me and my fiance have been together for 20 years.   Back in March we started having problems and it’s been a roller coaster ride since then. A lot came out- that we had buried since that awful day. We are working on things- but it’s hard because I have slipped into that deep dark pit again.  Last time I swore if I ever fell in again I would not be able to fight my way back out.  But here I am.  Really trying, struggling to do just that.  It’s hard when you are known as the amazing strong woman.   Since Josh died that’s all I hear from people.  How amazing I am, how strong I am. How much people follow my story and how proud they are of me.  So I put that mask on and go about my day and don’t let anybody see how I am really feeling.  I don’t want to disappoint people or have them think less of me.   I finally did confide in my boss.  She saw through what others didn’t.   So she suggested doing an online support group if I didn’t want to go back to a therapist.  So here I am.  That’s the short version of it all.   But I can at least say that I am trying. Whereas before- I felt no hope at all.  I want to be truly happy again.  I want to find some sort of peace.  I want to stop feeling like I wish I could just disappear.  Just curl up in a ball in disappear within myself. The daily struggle of it all is just to overwhelming.   So I am trying.  Thank you for listening to my story.