Well I thought I would give an update to all my friends and all who offer great support and words of wisdom.  I have to say I think I finally found a program that will help me locate where I lost my life some years ago.  I thought I would be admitted but after a screening they put me in a partial program at the hospitol that deal with mental illness and substance abuse.  I have such a positive out look on this program because I have 4 doctors a counsilor and group sessions with people just like me.  I am not gonna knock AA but having 5 people from AA saying I don't need mental therapy to me is bullshit! I was sober for 8 months and I felt worse than I did sober than drunk and messed up which means according to the doctors that there is a dual diagnosis and that I from past medical records should have had mental care for my Bi Polar / OCD.  Come to also find out that the last 6 medications they put me on cause mania and should only be prescribed to people with general depression.  WOOHOO I know I'm a nut but shit I thought I was hopeless.  I now feel I will get both the support for my addiction and the help for my mental disorders that have gone untreated. Well I treated them with a prescription of a liter of vodkas and whatever else I could manage to get into my system.  For once I actually feel hope and NO it's not a pink cloud for all you AA quote masters lol.  I love this site and the support I get from all of you.  I cannot wait to find out what it's like to be happy again just like a kid on Christmas eve I am excited damn it feels good to know I am finally getting them help I need.  Extra bonus is I qualify for medical assistance from being out of work for so long so money won't be a stress for me either.  I can get temporary assistance and get better so I can go back to being successful again ohh and maybe when I am better I can learn to be a better speller. I love you all and no guys not in a gay way haha.