last saturday i finally came out to my first person. it was kind of cut short but i said most of what i wanted to say. there were tears. only from me i think. how can there not be? it is like reliving every emotion i have ever hidden or re-contextualized. it’s like sitting in a waterfall.

there are some things we didnt get to. my name, for example. what i should be referred to as in general. he asked but all i could do was cry into my hands and say “it doesnt matter.”

things were better for a little bit because of this. then i started getting less sleep and things are bad again right now. work is the worst. interactions normal and awful fade away and every good interaction is turned bad by someone calling me”sir” usually so the good ones fade away too and then by the end of the day i have wiped every single thing ive done from my mind. and also i am always incredibly uncomfortable at least and suicidally depressed at worst so that doesnt really breed conversation that i would want to remember.

my mom is either completely clueless or knows what i am for one hundred percent certain. she and my sister keep complimenting my skin which is covered in makeup every time i see them but i think i do an ok job not overdoing it. mostly just concealer and foundation. she almost exclusively, especially over text, refers to me by a nickname that i perceive as feminine. the other night she asked me what my pronouns are. i just stared at her wide-eyed and she said “you don’t want to tell me?” she’d had a bottle of wine (as had i) so maybe she doesnt remember that. she’s invited me to go get manicures, to the ballet, to haircuts. she now knows that i paint my nails (i was too lazy to take them off again and i just said fuck it theyre just black anyway) and that my ears are pierced (that was a genuine accident i forgot i had my hair up).

im falling back into old habits though. staying up way too late and getting 2-4 hours of sleep. trying to hook up with weird guys online (this one is really bad for me).

most of the time in the mirror now i can at least see something resembling a girl. especially if i dont look for too long. sometimes i make myself physically repulsed by my own face. i cannot stand to look at my body. it feels like a tumor and looks grotesque to me.

i’m losing weight because some days i just give up on eating.

diy stuff is actually pretty cheap but i keep coming up with excuses not to do it. i’ve never taken a leap this big in my life. all i can think about, and all i have been able to think about for like 3 years, is how amazing it would be to just be a woman. but can i allow myself to do that? the other option is regret every choice i have ever made at the end of my life and never do anything worthwhile because i dont want to be perceived as i am. i try to pretend like im playing a character when i go somewhere i have to talk to people. it is not good for me.

maybe i should just buy them now. but do i put my name or my given name? i can watch the mailbox like a hawk but im just worried they wont bill me right idk. maybe i should just do it

i feel like this is getting long. i wanted to just journal to myself but i moved a couple of weeks ago and i cant find a pen or my journal lol.