So, it bothers Charlie a little that I know use the word "blog" as a verb.  Haha…

I am thinking about Italian Ice – there’s an awesome family owned place on Clark St.  It’s called "La Monarcha," and they make the best Italian Ice, from whole, fresh ingrediants – it’s so damn good.  I feel dehydrated.  Need to drink more water…

Ben, Charlie, and I rocked the beach today.  It was awesome.  I did some swinging, at my favorite playground (right beside the lake), and some singing (some of it simultaneously).  Charlie and Ben took turns rocking the guitar.  It was a really nice time.  And, people seemed to dig the noise.  We all had fun, which is what matters most.  Tomorrow, I am considering a picnic – a vegan picnic could get downright gourmet, but I would keep it simple. 

It’s so great having Ben in town. 

Ryan (Quinn’s brother) and his girl were just here.  Ben wasn’t mentioning the show Sunday out of respect for Charlie, but Ryan’s girl brought it up.  Maybe, she didn’t know it was a touchy subject.  Maybe…  but, I am guessing Ryan told her about it.  Quinn is his brother, and the end of our affair did change the landscape of our circle of friends pretty drastically.  I will always regret that (among other things).

Quinn and I were good at being friends.  We should’ve left well enough alone.  If we had, we’d still be in each other’s lives. 

But, I guess, we both got turned around at the same time, and at some point, that level of comfort seemed like the answer.  Not saying it’s fair, or that it makes sense – it’s just what was.  I was a manic head case, and strung out.  He was depressed, and drinking, and dabbling in the rougher substances with us, on the weekends.  I don’t even remember how it wound up going there.  I know that I believed he cared, and that he needed me.  Charlie, of course, cared (he loved me), but he hadn’t needed me, sexually, in years.  For a long time there was no sex at all.  Then after a while, we sometimes would, but it was rare, and always at my instigation, and that was really hard on my psyche.  I am not making excuses – merely explaining how this all snowballed into my last rock bottom (I’ve hit a few in my life), before I came here to DT.   I still don’t know what is going on with Charlie – we haven’t talked about any of it sin ce he wrote me and Quinn notes, telling us he knew.  That was also the last I heard of Quinn (no phone calls, wouldn’t answer calls, or emails) and his lack of interest in my well being after seven years of close friendship, and two ill-advised months as lovers, has left me feeling pretty numb towards him.  It hurt for quite a while, but eventually, when there’s nothing coming from the other side…

I mean, a relationship (husband, lover, friend, whatever) is a continuum of emotional (and sometimes physical) energy that two people create, through what they share.  The space between them, so to speak, is occupied by the tension, or warmth, or happiness, or whatever, that two people share.  If both contribute negative energy (jealousy, anger, ect.), the space between gets ugly.  Similarly, if one person is doing all the TRYING, and the other is being a sh*t, nothing really beautiful is going to form out of that synergy.  But, when two people both throw down their best, and their truth, and they hold nothing back with each other – at it’s best, the result is what everyone wants:  something that brings back the wonder of youth, and that FEELS as truly beautiful as any configuration of stars or tree-line at sunset.   Something more perfect than poetry… 

when someone’s vision of you makes you feel better, and more beautiful (instead of lesser, or unworthy)…

that’s what everyone wants.

But, even the less intimate variety of such connections – REAL friendship…  that’s one of the things that makes life worth living.  And, I think everyone wants that, too.  Friends you can truly open up to – they’re a rare thing.

There are a few people in my life who are everything that they should be.

For now, that has to be enough.  Because, I don’t see anything clearly enough, or feel anywhere close to strong enough, to do more than fight my own personal battles, right now.  I can’t push for answers about me AND someone else, when I don’t have MYSELF even half-ass back together, yet.  At some point, I’ll know I’m supposed to do.  Right now, I’m still just feeling my way through, in a fairly clueless manner. 

But, I do feel alright, at the moment.  And, that’s pretty bad ass.