Well…. in my profile i mentioned something about how my ocd is a lil too complex to limit it to just one thing… …. lets see… i’ve had… for a long time..but hasnt happened recently that whole tv show thing…. /audience too… i read thats some kind of psycho/neuerotic…some kind of syptom…not saying im any of those things..but yea..to me its just like your minds way of distracting you and removing you from reality.. so it was sorta like..everything in my life..and everything i did.. was like a t.v. show…. just had everyone watching and everything so hard to explain cause i have trouble articulating and describing things sometimes because i have a lot of mental blocks. for many different reasons. But discovering that they are just that mental blocks is actually a relief. BEcause for so many years i was absolutely convinced that i could not do…_________ you fill in the blank… and my mind has probably convinced me that i cant do it. in turn… it actually happens in real life..once my depression was so severe… whatever you wanna call it… that my mind.. had me convinced that i could not open doors…. etc… (nothing to do with contamination fears) but more like.. my mind just freezing me. because it paralyzes me into beleiving that i am going to fail … at anything and evertyhing i try to accomplish..so its a constant war..but now that i am beginning to see how the recording playing in my head isnt always right..im fighing it a lot harder. It;s so hard to explain but… believe me i could be here forever breaking things down n what not… lets just give you an example..a couple of weeks ago.. a girl at my job had her hand out with a empty stapler right…soo aututomatically my mind tells me how im going to mess up putting the staples in.. im gonna fuck it all up and look like a moron and shes going to see how incompetent i am etc..all this is racing through my mind..so in turn..what happens?? yea i finally get it in there but after like a struggle and a blunder becasue the war in my mind that very moment was a fierce one. This is on a cnostant basis the rapid thoughts etc… i could phsyically do nothing at all for an entire night but quite possibly never have a BORING time because my mind races at incredible speeds. its a bit draining sometimes. even sleeping i have that half ass sleep when your still half awake and ur just thinking thinking thinking your last hour of “sleep” away. anyhow.. i totally went off topic as to what i wanted to write about but ill save that for another day… peace.