Now Playing: Half of You – Leland
3:35 A.M. (Arizona Time)
My first blog entry. Do I tell you a little about me and my background? Is that a bit much? Anywho, my name is Cory and I live on a reservation in Arizona. Discovered I was gay the summer after I turned 18. Before that, I had no idea what \”gay\” was. I never heard about such a thing. Never heard about the LGBT community. I thought everyone just liked everyone. Maybe because I\’m the only one in my family that\’s out and I really wish there were others who were out with me, others I could hang out with, others I could talk to, but no, it\’s just me. It\’s not bad though. My cousins are protective when it comes me going out or when I\’m talking to someone and trust me, that rarely ever happens (me talking to someone special). In a post, I mentioned that I was a had a problem with meth. That all began the winter I met my first boyfriend. We were friends at the time, but we talked on the phone a lot. He never used meth before, and to be completely honest, I\’ve used it before. So, years went by, he and I would hang out with one of his aunts and cousins who were really bad with meth. They would buy it for us and we would smoke it in his room. We\’d smoke so much, I lost count of how many nights we\’d be awake. We didn\’t care. All our money went to meth and cigarettes. We lost friends, our parents found out, but we did it anyway. We didn\’t care. Until we let it get the best of us. We argued day and night when we didn\’t have any, and even if we did, one of us still wasn\’t happy, so we had to make sure no one was happy until we felt the high we wanted. $20 bags turned into $50 and that turned into $100 and that turned into an 8 ball. Long as we had the money and the meth, we \”loved\” each other. January 2016 is when I last saw him, when I last talked to him. I left him while he was throwing things at me and calling me names, but I will admit, I threw things back and said awful things too. All this happened because I needed to go to class, I was in college at the time. I said I had to go and he thought I meant that I was gonna leave him. It spun out of control. That\’s when my meth problem became worse that it already was. I smoked more. Ate when I felt dizzy and that was, I don\’t know, once every week or so. I moved in with my cousin and her husband. I brought meth into her home, but she wasn\’t mad. Hell, we would smoke together too. Smoked every day until a week before my birthday, which is in April. That was when I overdosed. Meth wasn\’t numbing my feelings anymore. No matter how much I smoked, I could still eat and sleep. I didn\’t wanna hurt, I didn\’t wanna face reality, I wanted nothing to do with it, so I took 80+ pills, told my brothers that I loved them and I let the effects of those pills take over me. Don\’t know how long I was out, but when I woke up, I didn\’t feel any better, in fact, I felt sick. There was an awful taste in my mouth. That emptiness, that loneliness, and to top it off, the only person I wanted, probably hated me and that was my ex-boyfriend, he wasn\’t there when I wanted him to be. I was alone, hurt, scared, confused, broken.
Honestly, I love people who\’ve overcome their meth addiction. I love hearing their stories and how they overcame it. And honestly, their stories is what keeps me going, that and thinking back on how I woke up alone in my room after I overdosed. I\’m just trying to make my world a better place for me. I need people like me because who else will get me better and my struggles better than them?
If you\’ve read this, thank you… It\’s just the beginning of my story. It\’s 4:07 A.M. now and I must call it a night.