I also blog on A-Tribe – not nearly as steadily, but given my issues, I thought I could get some useful feedback there. God, was I wrong… I was already having another banner freaking day (I wake up in pain every morning, lately), when I logged onto A-Tribe to share the good news – I’d been making progress. I’m actually getting somewhere. Then, I vented a little about my doubts and fears, like I usually do. Then, I get a long ass comment, almost immediately, that includes the following:
"you have nobody but yourself for letting this sh*t get this far out of hand,"
I assume he meant "nobody but yourself to blame," but I had, for the record, specifically stated in my blog that I DID NOT blame Charlie or anyone else for the fact that I got addicted. He went on to say:
"Your way of thinking is serioously messed up… stop pissing and moaning poor me poor me. pull your head out of your ass… if you think this is harsh and cold it is meant to be. stop pissing and moaning about what’s wrong in your life… what is it going to take to make you see your part in this clusterf@ck of a life you are living… don’t waste anymore time whining about your poor pathetic life…"
And, that’s not all of it. It was like he didn’t even read what I wrote. Ironic he used the term "clusterf@ck" – Ace and I were joking about that term last night. I said nobody says it, anymore. Well, I guess, they do, when they come after me. I don’t know why I care what some random asshole thinks. I guess, I don’t, I just wasn’t ready to be attacked like that. I thought people there would be happy for me. I was doing better. I’ve been getting it done.
I can’t stop crying. I don’t understand why. I’ve been so tired, and in so much pain, and I read that… and something just snapped. I just started sobbing and sobbing, and I can’t stop.
Charlie’s out with his mother. Before he left he said, "just ignore it." Which makes sense, but the way I feel right now, doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. I feel so lost. I know… if I just hold on… it gets easier than this.
It gets easier than this.
It has to…
I’ve been here, before. I know it does.
I know it does. It has to…
This is the only thing I have to get right today, and I only have to think about, in terms of right now. I just have to stay strong in the moment.
None of this matters. I’m just cracking up. I have to pull myself together.
I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of my crazy [email protected] self destrutive impulses. I’m afraid that I am just kidding myself, thinking that I could be strong enough to beat this thing. I’m afraid I’m as weak as I feel.
I’m afraid I’ve made too many promises. There are too many balls in the air… and I don’t know how to juggle.