this time last year was so awful. im so afraid/on edge about everything and anything…prob mostly about the unknown, about things i cannot control. i want control in my life and i feel like i have none.
things aren’t awful though, they’re ok….right now. things are tense w hannah my roommate. she’s from china, and she isn’t fitting in here and is transfering, she’s been taking out her frustration on her roommates, me being one of them. when she said something mean to me i calmly called her out, but, she’s so upset with herself, she wants to take out her pain on others. i know i could talk to her before she leaves because i know she regrets what she did, but….i haven’t been talking to her, i was so dissapointed with her because in my life i felt like she was someone who could not/would not hurt me…and she did. it felt like such a betrayal for her to take out her frustrations on the person closest to her here, she knows things already aren’t great with me, im very stressed.
andrew txted me last night. we had drama in the begining of the year due to his lsats and i stopped talking to him. i wasn’t mad last night though, i was over the anger. he said he wanted to get drinks before the semester ends. i really liked him, ive known him since freshman year to present junior year. he always messes things up though, he never gets it right, but we mesh, we jell…in a way not alot of people do with me. of course, neil, other guy "in" my life still in the picture. have logic w him. i don’t know about him and me. i don’t want to put any trust in andrew, but seeing him compared to neil, it makes the neil thing seem so much less….
i don’t tons of guys. i don’t need attention. i just want someone who is there, and is there anything so wrong about looking for that person? if one guy turns out not to be the one, what is wrong with letting someone else be in your life? giving them a chance? am i supposed to be celibate and loveless for the rest of my college career? i don’t want this rotating pool of guys in my life, i just want one, but my search for the one, it sometimes feels judged or…i don’t know. i just want someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay, i need a best friend, i need safety, and i don’t have anyone like that in my life right now.