…is really tough. Especially because the present is so painful. The future is both scary and a distant hope.
Believe it or not, I'm not writing a suicidal blog. Yes, a miracle, I know. More a reflective one. Out of loneliness perhaps. But it's Spring Break! Happy Spring Break! I'm happy to get out of that hellhole for a week. No, I love my school, it's just… difficult not having any social contact.
While riding the bus today I just kept getting these flare ups of massive sadness and now that the dam was broken a few weeks ago mine eyes… the bus is especially hard because of something that happened a little more than a year ago, which apparently still bothers me… I'm doing my best to swallow it all.
It's weird though because I don't really know the how, what, or why I'm messed up. I may be wrong but somehow I don't think rapidly-changing emotions is normal. But then again, nothing's normal when it comes to me. It just kills me sometimes feeling like I don't know myself. I'm one of those fact-people that goes crazy by not being able to recall something or figure something out or not have concrete answers. And I only have guesses on the one thing I should know best – myself.
Is there really such a thing as happiness? When I look into the future, all I see is more of this black tunnel that I've been blindly stumbling through for a long time. I wish I had friends that I could rely on, but since I have no social life… better people than me have failed to get out of less wacky situations. Maybe it is too late.
I don't know if I'm doing anything right. If I'm making any progress. I can't tell. I'm no better off than I was several years ago, more emotional in fact. What have I done? I've probably made everyone hate me here and wherever else because of my incessant complaining, but I have nowhere else to go really. I probably sound selfish and annoying and everything. That's probably part of the reason why I'm so isolated. Otherwise my lack of social skills. Yes, it does make me jealous to see people get along with others so easily, everyone loves them, and seem to fit in unconditionally. Then there's me… I don't want to be popular, I just want to not feel so alone… that's the thing, is this emptiness curable? What if I have relationships and success and stuff and I still feel the same? I always believed that if I could just fill in the missing pieces of my life then I'd be ok, but… I suppose that implies having the ability to be social… getting my voice back… losing my fear. Being treated like a person. But in a way I think I'm afraid of getting better because this is what I've known my whole life and what's going to happen in the unlikely event I save myself?
Oh… I forgot, I weighed myself and apparently I went down from 200 to 165. The first 20 were intentional, but this…?