So this weekend was good, got to see my family. But last night I hit bottom. I didn’t want to come to work, I felt worthless, felt life was pointless, stressed out about money. A year or so back I co-signed on a credit card for my friend so that she could get a computer for school. Turned out to be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Now she is having problems with it, has for some time, and they keep calling me and its stressing me out. So I took a shower last night but stood in there mainly to cry alone. I didn’t want Bryan to see. Because he would ask what was wrong and half of what I’d of said he’d of thought I was being irrational and over dramatic. I stood there with tears streaming down my face, snot building up in my nose. I don’t know what else I can do. Crying is the only way I can let it out. I feel like a failure, I feel like nothing makes me happy. I wake up every morning to go to work and I freak out about it almost every Monday and through out the week as well. I hate it here, I hate that I make a considerable amount less then when I lived in Tucson. I’m worthless because I don’t have a college degree, I can’t get a better job and so I’m stuck. I have no one to blame but myself because I can’t decide what would even make me happy. I foster for dogs because that’s supposed to be my passion and yet I don’t even know if this is what makes me happy. I’m starting to wonder if anything will ever make me feel satisfied and content. Every time I try something new, something I think that I will really enjoy, I don’t. Why don’t I go to school, for exactly this reason. I’ll go to school and realize nothing makes me happy. I won’t know what to do with my life and I’ll be stuck wasting money. Then I’ll stress out because I’m in debt with no job direction. So I lay in bed last night next to Bryan. So upset I can’t sleep. I can feel a panic attack building up and the tightness in my chest. He lays there without knowing that I’m freaking out. In a way I don’t want him to know but at the same time I want to tell someone I’m freaked out and about to breakdown. I lay there thinking over things. Again and again. I don’t know what I’m going to do about this friend with the credit card. I have asked her before to try to get a new card on her own to transfer the balance over. But she says that no one will give her credit. So I’m stuck once again. I don’t know what to do. So I wrote her again this morning asking her to please try again because I’m freaking out. I don’t know what else to say or do. I’m hoping she would try to make the effort considering I helped her out and now I’m stressed out and having anxiety attacks over the fact that I’m gonna probably be told I have to pay it cuz she’s not. So here I sit, at work. I was hoping that I could show up for a few hours, do the majority of the work I need to do then scoot off around noon. It doesn’t look like that is going to happen because another one of my co workers called off sick. There aren’t very many of us here but I don’t know if I will last through the day. I’m trying to stay positive but can feel the tightness in my chest and heaviness in my stomach. I just don’t know how much more of this stress I can take. I don’t know how long I’ll have to go hating my job and this feeling of worthlessness. This feeling that I have no control over situations in my life. I don’t even know what more to say but there is so much built up inside I can’t take it. In times like these I wish I had meds or a therapist here. I don’t know because then they’d want to talk about it and I don’t know how much I actually wanna have a conversation about it or just vent. I don’t really want to try to solve any of this shit in a way. I want it to be resolved but I don’t want to deal with the confrontations.

2 Comments
  1. theo1212 13 years ago

      Hang in there Jade.  I know it's easier said than done.  Im sure if you talked to all the people on here, most of them would say they would rather be doing something else with their life.  It's not very often that we get to do the thing that we love to do.  Money or degrees do not define you as a person.  You are obviously a good person and caring friend if you were willing to put yourself out there like that.  Maybe sit your friend down and tell her how you really feel about this and she will find a way to come up with the money. 

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  2. thelifeofjade 13 years ago

    ah gottcha, thx.

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