I don’t really know where to start. We are so up and down, I just don’t know what to do. I really need you to stop treating me like a child though. You told me you wanted to marry me. Who are you to ask me that at such a young age? First I need you to be my FUCKIN boyfriend.

We have issues, you and I both know this. You need to stop controlling me and trying to manipulate me into doing things I do not exactly want to do. I love you, but you drive me nuts. The way you’re going about things is totally wrong, and if you think that what you are doing is okay… then you clearly do not know me very well.

You get jelouse of my best friend all of the time, but I’m not allowed to get upset when you’re kissing one of your friends? I just think this is all very childish.

I’m glad you are not going to the forces until the Fall… but I just hope everything settles down. I really do not want to lose you, and I know you do care about me. But there are different ways of doing things, and trying to control every little thing that I am doing is not a good way about doing things.

You make me sooo happy… but at the same time, you make me totally upset… all the fuckin time.

We either have to fix this for good, or break up for good. I can’t keep on hoping back and forth… I just can’t.

I’m debating on whether to come see you tonight and try to talk to you about this, or not to bother you. I can either go, and demand that you talk to me about this and get upset if you try not to. Or I can just sit on my ass at my house, and continue to worry about our situation… hopefully wait for a reply from you. But since you want me to show you that I care, the first choice is probably going to be the one I go with.

As much as I hate dealing with our bullshit, it needs to be done.

Please don’t leave, and please do not make me leave you.

Meanwhile… I don’t really know what is wrong with me lately.

I never feel like doing anything, never feel like being social anymore.

If I see someone I know, I’d rather look away and pretend like I don’t see them instead of going up to them and start a conversation.

I cry almost everyday.

I hate going home, because I do not feel welcome.

School is a pain in the ass because the teachers do not even want to be there… let alone teach me anything.

I like drinking and getting high… and I wish that is all I could do for the rest of my life… but at the same time not be a bum.

Looking at what I have written makes me sad… and feel pathetic.

I set up my best friend with an amazing boy who treats her better than any other boyfriend she has ever had. She  is truely happy and in love, its too bad she is CONSTANTLY with him. Instead of seeing her everyday, and hang out every weekend… I see her maybe 4 times a week… and at school. We never hang out anymore, and I really do miss her.

My other best friend is leaving me for the summer to go model in New York. How upsetting is that? Pretty.

If I do not keep myself occupied with work this summer… I’m going to drive myself crazy.

I really hope everything just ends  up okay at the finish line.

Sigh.

-Lexi