I dislike bad starts to days. So much about how a day progresses depends upon the morning, doesn’t it? There’s just nothing good about waking up displeased. Which I did.

    Usually I don’t need to set an alarm clock. I do, (several, actually) but I don’t need to. Force of habit, I suppose. The first alarm always goes off about five minutes after I wake up. Such is just the way of things. This morning, however, I left headphones plugged into my computer, which was in another room, and did not hear the alarm. Which shouldn’t matter as I should have been awake five minutes before it rang to begin with! For whatever reason, I didn’t. I went to bed at the usual time, but I must have been exhausted? I didn’t feel overly-exhausted… free classes are starting on Wednesday, and I’ve been running about trying to get the rooms and weapons settled, marking this and that, preparing logs, checking and re-checking registrars, etc. Ah, but, yes, the bad morning! So, I woke up late, sat in bed until nine-ten fussing about how late I’d woken up (because, clearly, this helps), finally got up, made breakfast, and then–dropped a lid into my food. No. Bad.

    So, I had to throw away what I’d cooked, clean, dry and put away everything, leave the room, do something else, and start breakfast over. Of course, this just makes me angry at myself for being unable to resist the stupidity that is OCD and…yes. I’m certain that the feeling is well-known. I also forgot to mention what these are free classes for! *laughs* I’d go back and fix this, but if I do, I’ll start fixing other things as well. Please overlook the disorganisation?

    Anyway, I teach Mixed Martial Arts. I’m the gym’s (we don’t call ourselves a dojo due to the number of forms and systems that we draw from–it feels disrespectful to each individual art to use a traditional term for non-traditional practises) weaponry instructor. =^____^= *laughs* Yay for very, very, very small ultra-‘femmy’ girls studying and teaching weapons! 😀 The free classes don’t last very long (two and a half weeks), but they’re fairly important to pulling in new students. I really do adore martial arts, though. I haven’t the slightest idea as to what I would do without them. I can’t take medication (metabolic problems…bah), and CBT and talk-therapy have been entirely unhelpful, but something about the discipline and respect that martial arts requires pleases my need for order without being unpleasant or overwhelming. It’s nice.

    On that note, has anyone else found CBT to be ill suited to their obsessions? The tasks which I was given are already things that I do! Oh, gosh, especially being ‘mindful’–I’m obsessively mindful! Failing to take note of something, anything, is simply no good! My memory is… I’d say that it’s photographic, but I recall things as if they were recorded on video instead of as stills. So, it works in a three-dimensional space as opposed to in two-dimensions. It’s convenient at times, but mostly is just a bother. Either way, it makes certain exercises moot. I.e., being asked to be calm and recall as much as I can about what was just done. No. Please don’t ask me to do that. I can repeat our conversation to you along with our exact gestures, but it’ll be no good as I’ll just start listing and fussing about whether or not I have the order correct. I will, but what if I don’t? Ugh, gosh, no. It might be of help if the CBT-person would get over the fact that I can remember so much and push me about the order-thing, but doctors do that whole ‘oh, my, it’s strange–I must examine it’-thing. And then that makes me ashamed (or something–I kind of want to crawl into a hole and not exist), which makes me obsess, and–bah. I get so upset at myself and the doctor both that I just stop going. I guess that’s no good?

    This is long again. I suppose that I should submit it before I delete it or fuss. My to anyone reading this for my errors.