Over the past few days(but especially yesterday)I experienced something that I've never felt before with my depression. All day, I felt like I had this HUGE energy inside me that was pulling me in every direction. I wanted to run around and jump up and down and just make a lot of noise. I got random fits of the giggles for no reason and I felt irrationally happy about nothing at all. I kept starting a bunch of tasks and not being able to finish them because my energy and focus would jump somewhere else. Even in the past when I thought I was free from depression, I was never THAT happy or energetic. It was almost an uncomfortable happiness.
When I got home from work, I was determined to tire myself out becuase I didn't want to be a tornado that left nois, chaos, and half finished projects in my wake. I jumped on my bike and road as fast as I could down the road. My asthma started to bother me when I was at the small lake in the woods near my house so I stopped there to watch the geese pick their way across the ice. It was so quiet and peaceful, I could feel myself coming down from the strange high that I'd been on. But then I kept going down and down and down…etc. I didn't want to come down THAT far.
I started staring at the ice and formulating plans for suicide in my head. Even though I knew it wasn't right, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. At that moment, I felt like I split into two halves- one that knew suicide wasn't the right thing to do and another that didn't want to go back; another that was exhausted and wanted to give up. The better part of me won out and I raced back home and collapsed on the couch. I took some vistaril in the hopes that it would calm me down and make me too fuzzy to think, and it did.
Now, today, it feels like it's finally worn off, but I'm really tired and I don't even want to get out of bed. I feel confused and scared…I plan to talk to my doctor about this. Maybe I'm manic depressive. Or bipolar.
All I know is the rocks in my backpack just keep getting heavier…