Crouched over the toilet I am screaming inside as I fight my throat to empty my stomach contents into the bowl… Take me to Church playing load in the background so that no one will hearme choking, crying and wimpering.
I used to be afraid of myself. I used to see cliffs and sharp edges, blades, ropes, pills and oceans as beautiful doors to end the pain. I used to be selfish. Now I fear only that I have traded my strength to protect my family from yet more pain caused from loss.
Did I stand a chance at all? They all wanted me to cry, to hurt, to disappear, to die! They hated me so much and they didn't even try to hide it. and then I had to loose my angel and then they had to abuse and hate me for being unlike them.. and I tried so hard. I tried to laugh and have dark hair and grow faster, to call them brother, father, sister. mother.. And they said I wasn't alowed to exist. Always last. Always forgotten. and then they told me that this was love: Go Away! What's wrong with you child? Why are you so different. Isn't it a disappointment to you that you like so much like your mother. Your toes are ugly. Your nose is big. You're so short. Shame, you are going to look just like your mother. You are so fat. If you lived with us we would never have let you get this fat. No fat kids in this house! You could have been beautiful like your sisters. You'll be a failure. Pregnant by 16 for sure. Always searching for comfort in men. You will become useless, a burden. Can't you do anything? Do you ever stop eating? You dirty liar! Accusing our son of this?? What kind of a sick human being makes these stories up? Now tell the truth!Why are you so mean? Get your own! We are NOT your family! go and find another family, you are not a part of this one. -Thanks dad.
I am okay…
They won't ever see these tears.