So I took the necessary steps today. I went to my work and talked with my manager about taking FMLA leave. She handed me the paperwork to fill out, but instead of signing FMLA, she signed "seasonal leave" which gives me up to a year to come back to work. I could have hugged her. It made my day okay, especially having to call and tell them to take me off the schedule for awhile including this week because I just was not getting better. I had one good week and then bottomed out again since starting the Abilify.

I also called my doctor and therapist. Unfortunately my therapist didn't have any openings for this week, but I did leave a message for my doctor about not doing better with the depressive aspects but a little better with the anxiety. He called me back and doubled my dosage. I guess we'll see over the next few weeks if that will help.

I wrote my poem this morning, and it was heartfelt and felt good to do. I think Bryan is smiling somewhere knowing that his phrase pulled me through the worst of it (thanks to AncientGeekCrone). 🙂 I've been having a really hard time not cutting on myself, so I've tried to keep myself busy whenever the desire comes up. It's happening a lot and getting stronger ~ I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to divert my attentions.

I did have another good thing happen today. While at the bank I noticed a man putting an old wicker outdoor couch out to the curb. I had to throw mine away 2 years ago because it broke. I convinced my husband to go and let me examine it and realized it was perfect for my screened porch. He wasn't keen on it, but we went and got with his truck. Now all I need is to get a cushion for a chaise lounge for the back and I have another reading nook , this one outside in one of my favorite spots. 🙂 My husband hates that I'll take other peoples' "garbage", but I learned in college that a lot of "garbage" isn't trash at all to someone else. Most likely they replaced the piece with something else or moved. I'm not ashamed to say that I go secondhand~ in college most of my clothes and all of my furniture was (except my mattresses). For people who can afford brand new everything that's awesome, but I'm not one of those people. So, I'm happy with a "new-to-me" couch. 🙂

I'm conflicted about saying this, but I'm relieved about not having to deal with work right now.Part of me screamsthat I need to be there, I need to bring financial worth into the household. But the other side says, "No. You take care of you now, worry about work when you'rebetter". I feel kindofworthless yet I feel relieved. I'll take the relief over theworthlessness as the feeling I choose to allow to inhabit me right now.

I took a shower and even shaved my legs. That's an accomplishment. Tomorrow Zachary has his 1st grade Thanksgiving play, and then the kids are let out for the week. Let the games begin…. 😉