Three years has passed since I last been on this site. Now I begin to wonder is surviving just enough? I survived for three years before depression came creeping back into my mind. Depression sure can be crippling, enough that it has caused me a 4th attempt to meet my maker.

I wonder why I survive…laying in the hospital seeing the staff there happy as they carry on their duty of caring for the patients there. Alone in the room, I can hear the laughter of the staff as they engage in socialization with their co-workers. Being isolated in the hospital room, I started to think, I need to just leave as soon as possible. There was just this eerie feeling that being in the hospital which does not help…

After a weeks stay, I was finally released. I could not leave any faster, even though I know my situation has not changed. I made it barely one month before  I ended up in the hospital again for another week’s stay…I think I hit a new low in life. Again released…what has changed…not much….I continued on with just trying to survive the game of life. I was just surviving to see the next day…even if the next day was the same as the previous horrible day. I am just surviving….time just slowly pass…

Almost two years have passed…life has begun to get even worse…changes in life situation…now with the future full of uncertainty, not only has depression has begun to rear its ugly head…so has anxiety…I find myself losing the fight to just survive…I ponder if going back on “pills” or other type of illicit medication would help…I try to be positive and see everything I have…but even that is not enough…

The crippling loneliness of not having friends or people to talk to, the uncertainty of the future (triggering anxiety to act up), and the dark thoughts of loneliness beginning to erode the positive thoughts I once had…perhaps there will be a 5th and final attempt to meet my maker….Right now  I guess I can only focus on just surviving…

I am slowly learning that having mental health issues and being an introvert, it is difficult to fit into this world…the world is so bright, but it feels like the bright world is so bright that it is killing me…I do not belong…but only time will tell what will happen.

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