It's been 2 years since I stopped cutting. Cutting and self-injury was a habit I held for 4 years, 4 years of a gradual increase of intensity and addiction. Skin pierced and sliced, bleach swallowed, pills abused.
It never got life-threatening. Never did. But the last year got to the point where my cuts were deep enough to leave heavy, thicker scars that won't go away.
I forget about these scars, and that's ok. I only ever notice them when I'm outside in the sunlight, and the sun's rays dance off the mountainous bumps. But I push my SI out of my mind, and forget that my scars are there. However, my scars lay on my left arm, from my wrist to my elbow.
This, to others, is a little bit more noticible. People that see it stare at it. Say nothing, and pretend to ignore it, but without me even noticing it, some of them have. Some of them have become curious of my story that I've done my best to forget.
A junior sitting next to me pointed out my scars.
Stated, "How'd you get it to be that deep? How'd you get it to leave a scar like that?" In almost admiration.
Then he showed me his. His arm of those a-few-days-old scars and scratches. I glanced at his arm, and felt sad. I saw…my immature sadness and frustration. What spoke to me, was the idea of just flat out immaturity.
Not that I was putting myself above him for being more mature. It just brought up my immature emotions I felt, before I moved on and somehow self-healed myself from such issues.
His curiousness…it still sticks in my mind. How sometimes, some stereotypical teenagers feel so stuck and feel so trapped.
I've just had so much personal growth since then, it scares me to imagine even thinking about that mentality again.
And yet the cycle happens, again and again. More kids, frustrated, hurt, lonely. Hurting.
I'm so lucky to have gotten out of my mental depression. Now all I have is this chemical depression I rarely see anymore.
So fortunate. Why is that?
Not looking back at my memories, not reopening previous thoughts or dwelling on past images whatsoever has been my healing technique. Healthy? Probably not. But effective? For me, yes.