I’m so lost I don’t know what to do, not even with myself. No matter how hard I try to get better, I can never overcome my illness. The more I fight, the weaker I become. I tried everything from going to Brentwood mental instruction, to writing stories, to overworking, to taking medications, to reaching out for help to everything imaginable. Everything I did to get help has failed. All the effort for getting better was for nothing. I’m getting worse. I still feel empty, I still feel useless, I still feel lost. I still feel like a nuisance, a disappointment, a waste of a life, a poor excuse for a person. I’m broken, broken beyond recognition. Can’t nothing fix me. No prescriptions, no therapy, no work, no sleep, no stories, no distractions, no nothing. I can’t take it no more. I thought being the black sheep would help me recover and regain the will to live life to the fullest but it’s actually making me change back into my old ways. Old ways including living in darkness to where I’ll cover all my windows to be in complete darkness, bathe in boiling water in the dark, let my thoughts consume me, starve myself, cry til I can’t cry no more, shut everyone off, cut my arms, just disappear from society. No matter how much I overwork myself, I can never find my life’s purpose. What’s the point of me being here. I’ve seen people go through committing suicide, why haven’t I been done it? Is it my fear of leaving my loved ones behind or is it my fear of actually going through with it? I’m ready to go but I’m not ready to leave my loved ones the pain of my death. It’s sad to say that it’s mostly my parents, close friend and relationship that’s holding me back. I regret falling in love with the person I’m with. He’s one of the reasons why I can’t leave. I couldn’t forgive myself to leave him that pain, let alone leave my mother. I’m all she got. My siblings can’t support her like I can, but unfortunately they gone have to hold her down after I’m gone. I don’t have nothing. I lost it all. I can’t stay at one job, I lost my mind, I lost a child I never knew I was carrying, I lost the relationship with my mother, I lost the bond I used to have with my boyfriend, I’m losing the fight with my depression. I can’t keep fighting when I keep getting weaker and weaker. I’m not gone have the courage to even fight back after awhile. I don’t have nothing to live for. I don’t want to live for a relationship that might not last, I don’t want to live for broken bonds with other relatives, I don’t want to live for everyone else’s happiness. I want to live for myself but I don’t want to live no more. I don’t have a reason to. What’s the point of living when it’s nothing but lies, misery, disloyalty, and everything else. I have to get DNA tested, i have to get out of debt. I have to pick up pieces from where people who I helped fucked me over, I have to take a lie detector test to back up my story. I have to keep a smile on my face when I’m hurt behind it. I have to deal with random breakdowns then act like it never happens. I have to grieve lost loved ones, even my unborn child. I don’t want to keep living through that. I get taken for granted but get called the bad guy for figuring out people true screwed up intentions. I wonder if I were to leave, would I finally be at peace? If I were to leave would I see the child I lost? If I were to leave would it make the family happy? If I were to leave, would my boyfriend be able to love someone else again? If I were to leave, would my Best friend be able to handle another death of her close friends? Who wants to wake up everyday to criticism about their relationship, only be reached out for favors, don’t trust nobody enough to open up, get called being a bad friend when I don’t have time to do things, get called an antisocial when I don’t come around? It’s just too much. Who in their right mind would want to live life that way?  It’s miserable. I  don’t want be homeless again, so I pay rent. I don’t want to be at place at the wrong time, so I stay home. I don’t want to wait on everyone else’s time, so I walk to wherever I need to go. I don’t like crowds of people, so I stay to myself. I don’t like to overthink about my depression, so I overwork myself to distract myself. The more I’m distracted the more I can control my depression. Unfortunately, don’t nobody understand where I’m coming from. Everyone head so far up their behinds to see how selfish they really are. It’s crazy how everyone expects so much out of me but do the same. I have come around daily when they don’t. I have call on a daily when they don’t. I have open up about my problems when they don’t, I have to fight for a bond when they don’t. Why do I have to put in the effort in everything when they don’t do nothing?Im not going to force myself to reach out to people I haven’t talk to in years. Im not going to force myself to open up to people who was never there to support my situations. Im not going to force myself to have relationship with people when I don’t care to have them. Im not going to force myself to fight for things when I’m the only one putting in the effort. Cause I stopped doing those things I’m still the bad guy at the end of the day. It’s gone always be a lose-lose situation with me. If I don’t interact with people I’m in the wrong. When I do but don’t agree with their decisions I’m in the wrong. When I try to give my opinion, it wouldn’t matter. It’s like I can’t win for trying and people wonder why Im nonchalant about things. I be in the wrong when I give my attention to my boyfriend than anyone else. I be in the wrong when I constantly work instead of doing everybody else’s favors. I be in the wrong when I spend my money on stuff I need instead of on everyone’s desires. So why shouldn’t I leave. Maybe me leaving can make all my wrongdoings right for once. People so called worried about me and my mental illness but don’t even know my first name or even my birthday. What’s the point of asking for help when I don’t get none. All I get is drugs in my system and a doctor bill. What’s the point of asking for advice when I get told the same thing over and over. Telling me to pray not gone help. I don’t need to pray about nothing. I don’t pray, I don’t believe in god, I don’t want to believe in god, I’m not going to church like it’s all bullshit to me. I’m tired of getting my hopes up just for them to get crushed. It never failed. Telling me it’s going to be okay is not helping. Things will never be okay. I’m broken. I’m broken to where I can’t even fix myself. I’m so broken, I still manage to help others. I’m so tired you can hear the tiredness in my voice and see it in my face when I say it. No matter how many times I try to do right I fall right back in my depressed state but I fall harder each time. If leaving means I can finally get the peace I’ve been wanting after all these years then so be it, I just don’t know when im gone do it. Am I even gone get the satisfaction I’ve been desperately wanting, or is there greater misery that awaits me ?