I am probably really writing this blog for myself. Maybe it will someday be able to help others who have been in my position. I began a journey today that I pray will lead me to the happiness I seek so desperately. My journey begins in this quiet little apartment with my family. It is one of hope and faith. The journey I am taking is not a short trip, it is one I will cherish for the rest of my life. It is a plea for solitude and peace and one that will surely bring me to my final destination; happiness.
Happiness, I have found, can only be found from within oneself. Nobody will ever be able to make me feel the happiness that our lives are intended to be filled with. My journey thus far has been one of many trials and tribulations. It has been filled with despair, loss, grief, pain and enough sadness to last two lifetimes. Though this may seem like I am asking the impossible, it is said that through God, anything is possible. Today, I have vowed to myself to begin a new chapter in my life.
The first step is always going to be the hardest. It is a step that, in time, will lead me to close the door on my past. Many call it a "leap of faith", I call it "finding peace". Waking up is sometimes extremely hard for me to do. I tend to want to shut the door and just sleep for an entire day. In my opinion, if we are sleeping, then we cannot feel pain. I am surrendering my past and waking up to see what the future may hold for me.
The biggest challenge for a person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to let go of the past and learn to trust others no matter how much we may fear being hurt. The past is what has so far, decided my future, and yes, it is a battle that I have despairingly been losing for many years. If you know me at all, you know that I can't stand to lose, which is why I have decided to face my illness head on and overcome it with my head held high. This will be done without the use of medication because with God on my side, there is nothing to fear.
I began Christian Counseling today and for me, that is a huge step. When I walked in, my hands were sweating, and I could not stop the anxiety that was slowly eating at me. I sat in the waiting room for ten minutes, yet it felt like an eternity. Just before I went in to see my therapist, I turned to see a picture hanging on the wall. A sense of peace came over me and the anxiety was no longer present. The picture literally spoke to me because it was a memorial for my therapist's grandmother. It was then that it hit me. I had to start healing because my grandmother was truly in love with my smile and my eyes, which by the way, have been somewhat non-existent for so long now. The eyes are the windows to the soul and my soul has been empty. I think its time to make it whole once more.
As I stepped into that office, I had no idea what to expect. I had tried other therapists before, but none of them I trusted enough with telling my life story to. However; the moment I sat down, the words just flew out of my mouth. I was rambling, constantly shifting subjects, and she was so patient as she sat hanging on every word I said. She understood my ramblings even when I could not make heads or tails of them. This is how I know that God is ready for me to become the woman He had intended me to be.
Many people have given up believing that there is such a thing as God, but for me, I find God as a peaceful being. He is after all the only true father I have ever known. Even if the only one who reads this is me, this is my journey and in the end, these blogs are my life story. I do not have the nicest of things, I am very simple, reserved, and surprisingly shy and timid. My life is not one of excitement, but it is my life. I am quite content just being a mommy and a wife. I only want these words to touch my heart and help my healing process. It is hell to walk around this earth not knowing who you are. I will write every single day to remind myself that this life is not one to be taken lightly. Suicide is not an option, because, I am not weak. I have faced this pain every day for the past 15 years, now it is time to deal with it. Forgive me if my posts are not always that of happiness. I am after all only human, and all humans endure pain, no matter how hard we try to hide it. So, each day of my journey, I will find something to let go of, or forgive myself for. I am giving this journey to the Big Man Upstairs. <3