Arrrrrgh!  I’m going to kill myself and everyone else.  Actually I’m not literally going to kill myself – just in case somebody tries to help me or others for that matter.  I must be tired.  My head feels foggy.  And I need to go for a walk, maybe do some ab exercises, too.

I feel guilty, although it’s mixed because I felt I was being honest.  It all started in Security class.  Just talking about whether it’s better for self-esteem to conceal a stigma or not.  I mentioned it depended on whether your locus of control was inside or outside.  If it’s outside, perhaps you have an easier time concealing it and thus, this concealability is not really concealability.  A surfacy friend responded with a self-enhancing/protective comment that ended up derogating me.  There were comments about chronic stress, its effect on health, poisoning and mortality.  Some people laughed.  Then it was break time.  Towards the end of class I proceeded to applaud a comraderie after she presented a paper derogating narcissists, particularly those concerned with "surfacey" stuff.  After my comraderie’s presentation I raised the question of whether narcissists are not only those who want self-affirmation from others, but could also consist of those who seek "freedom", originality,  whatever from others.  My comrade was very gentle on me saying all I wanted was acceptance, blah, blah, blah .. which is true.  Since I had a half-eaten sandwich laying around – i really did not have much of an appetite since I percieved my surfacey friends rejected me… which other people in the class also seemed to behave such as they did – i chewed it nonchalently acting as if I could take it or leave it.  Around this time I also looked at my water bottle 2 X and saw that it was empty.

But with all this gone, I have missed a major point.  Soon after my concealability point and the ensuing retort by my "surfacy" friend a really wonderful person, her name is Susan, presented on self-esteem and self-serving cognitions which basically talked about how those with high self-esteem use cognitions to allow them to engage in health risk behaviours in a way that they don’t feel guilty.  The opposite is the case for those with low self-esteem.  And just through her whole presentation I got the impression she was supporting me.

Of course, my professor seemed angry after I did my little demonstration with my water bottle and food and stated my "freedom" plea.  My professor and I have a little bit of a history in that I almost see her as a parent and that she can see right through me.  For example, following her self and social bonds paper we discussed how for some people lowering – or self-handicapping, that was another class – self esteem actually benefits them in the short-term because they get all these lovely social supports; but is detrimental to them if they leave.  Also, of course, its detrimental because people just keep on self-handicapping.

So in conclusion, this class is pretty interesting.  There’s two parents and, like, nine of us kids.  However, I don’t want to keep self-handicapping anymore.  I know now that honesty is not always the best policy.  And also that contexts within contexts matter.  It doesn’t just matter that where supposed to bring up questions in class, it also matters what is happening in the class.  I also would continue to feel terribly guilty and "fat" if I continued to reject Susan’s plea for peace.



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