I scared my friend Ace.  I got back from outpatient and found a couple of emails asking me to hang in, and to let him know I’m alright.  He’s the real f@cking thing.  Few people are that wonderful.  That caring, and persistent… 

I miss Mags. 

Charlie and I shared some pastries from one of our favorite bakeries, in Evanston – we always pick up doughnuts, or some such, after outpatient. 

We always have good coffee in the house, no matter how bleak things get – some things have to remain constant, damn it!  🙂  It’s like…  a measure of stability amid the chaos.  Right, right…  I am rationalizing – what a shocker.  At least it’s nothing serious, this time. 

I got myself a smoothie (a really healthy one with soy, bananas, and strawberries, and such), which is only worth mentioning because I do not eat enough healthy foods, anymore.  I’m thinking that’ll get better as I come through this.  We generally live on take out.  But, I don’t eat a lot, so I’ve actually been losing weight – eating mostly junk food, and losing weight is no healthy combination.  As I start to get a little stronger, I plan to exercise a little more, and a little more.  Smoothies from Jamba Juice aren’t cheap, but I deserved it.  I’m not going nuts with my spending, but I feel like I can treat myself a little, at least to things that are good for me, since I am no longer blowing every dime I make on my favorite narcotic.

I’ll probably see Jordan, today.  He works right now, so he’ll probably bring me some caramel brownies tonight. 

I wrote Ace back, and told him I was sorry I scared him.  And, I went ahead and threw in a promise not to use.

Funny thing is, now that I’ve written that, I do feel a small sense of relief.  Being on the fence is very stressful.  I’m not saying I couldn’t possibly f@ck up, now, but I feel a little more centered, having said what I did.  A little more sure…  of at least one thing…

I know I’m not giving up.

And, that’s all I really know, right now.

Well…  there are a few other things I feel pretty strongly about, but most aren’t fit to print here.  (There’s a time and place for everything, I guess).

I know it’s easier to say I’ll do the right things when the day is still young, and it’s bright out.  It gets harder at night.  And, it’s not exactly easy, right now.

I can’t give up. 

I have to fight.

And, remember to keep breathing…

just…

slow down…

and breathe…

in… 

out… 

slowly…

deeply… 

and, calmly….

I don’t feel right, right now, but I can hold on until I talk to someone.  And, then, I’ll make a new plan.