I'm all set for sleep; its one of two nights of the week that I don't spend with my boyfriend (Greg, 20), and I have a slight headache. I don't get them often, so its a weird feeling. Its the kind of headache that doesn't feel too bad if you avoid light, sound, and sudden movements. Throbby.
I got a chance to talk to my parents today, which is my dad's birthday(he's now 72), two days before my mom's birthday(she'll be 62), and three days before my mom comes to campus town to visit for a bunch of activities for Mother's Day weekend. I had forgotten about the first two events, so my dad was the one who called, but he didn't seem to mind announcing it himself; he was drinking, which always makes him more sentimental, and it was the first time we had talked in a week or two, as it often is when we talk, since I've been at college and am lazy when phones are involved. Ever since I left for college our conversations have tended to be more loving and civil, which had normally been a rare sort of thing. I had chosen not to come back to my house once I left, initially for ocd reasons, honest, and for the past three breaks over the course of my freshman year, I have stayed between Greg's house and my best friend's house (Maddie, 18).
So between the drinking (which he often does in the evening, classier drinks, like wine) and having missed me (I had never expected him to be so honest about missing me when I left at the end of summer, but he has been), he was in a good humour. He had also just patched things up with my sister (Charlotte, 22, college graduate) after a common fight, with swearing and the word "hate", that turned into a cold, hanging grudge that held on for over a month. We talked about my ocd problem, and I said the weather had improved it probably, and he agreed that that was it. He said that Greg and I should sit in the grass and eat fresh baked bread, just as he had done with my sister and I when we were young (he asked if I remembered, and I has said yes, even though I'm not sure I do, but what I do remember is how the three of us did everything together in Chicago, it makes me tear up).
My mother and I then talked a lot about the upcoming weekend and all the different things that she had forgotten whether she signed us up for or not. There are many activities planned, and she is enjoying this more than I know, I'm sure. For the past two nights, I have had bad dreams in which she was angry with me, one of them involved her favoring Charlotte and disliking me, and I told her about them. My mother, who is superstitious and often makes connections between vaguely connected things, thought on it, a tiny bit distressed, and could not admit to being angry at all, which is good and mostly what I suspected. We decided it was probably some remnant thought from when I was young, when I would worry and ask if she was mad at me if she was not smiling constantly(to be fair, she often is/was smiling constantly). She told me how while I've been here she found an old note I must have given her when I was young where I must have thought she was mad, whether she was or wasn't, and told her that I was very sorry and things. She said it tore at her heart. That made me sad 🙁
My mommy loves me and I am hurting her by keeping myself from home. But I still won't go back yet, and will discuss my reasons for leaving later.