Last year I moved from my homecity, my really close network of friends and family, and and awesome university life to a huge city, living with my boyfriend and no job. As I had recently graduated it wasn't a big deal that I didn't have ajob, however, as the recession hit here it was extremely difficult to find one. When I did, I was earning good money, my boyfriend and I had moved into a house that he had bought, and I made a couple of friends in the big city. Things were ok until my job started imposing on my morals. I got down always and couldn't handle disappointment well at all. During this time, my relationship with the man of my dreams (the guy I'd moved to the big city for) had hit the rocks. We didn't know why.. until now.

My boyfriend is AMAZING, when i first started struggling with depression i was in denial and would get angry when he asked what was wrong. I'd snap at him always, get mad at stupid little things he would do and then I'd get angry at myself for feeling angry at him for no reason. When I finally reached out for help he wanted to come with me, I said no because it was my problem to deal with and I didn't want to burden him, and also partly because I didn't know if he was the problem or if it was me. A crappy counsellor pretty much told me I needed to be harder and more of an individual and to stop relying on him so much. I got worse.

My mum (whose been through all the same stuff) offered to talk to my boyfriend about what depression is like, and because he is just fantastic he wanted to learn everything he could to help me. After that I invited him to another counsellor and we decided i needed to be on meds etc. When he sacraficed his social life and to an extent his work (ie not working so late) it was so amazing. I found it hard to believe one person could do all this for me, just out of love! We went throught a phase of "why do you love me?" "because I do" etc and I was so afraid he was going to leave I got waaay too down to handle alone. When I told him this he pretty much told me he wants to marry me n have kids n the whole shabang! I know he's not going anywhere.

Now that he's done all that though I can feel him wanting to start sociallising again and getting out more. I do my best by going with him and being the "better woman behind the great man". But when he works late and sees friends I don't want to see it's so hard to be without him. My days are filled with things that I just want to tell him, if i don't get the chance that night i feel disapointed and down and unloved even. It's not his fault he needs a life. Sometimes I feel like if he's not paying attention to only me or spending relationship time with me he loves me less. I hate feeling so needy because before I was a sufferer I was so independent and bubbly, outgoing and my friends knew me for being giggly and happy always. Now I feel that if my boyfriend isnt around I'm alone, I struggle if I don't know where he his, who he is with etc. There is a constant battle in my head to get over it and do things for myself, but even when I do things for myself I can't wait to tell him about it. I feel like my life revolves around him and get angry at me coz it shouldn't. I feel like the world is going to end if i can't see him at every chance I get. Its so annoying coz it rules my life!

1 Comment
  1. hippychik87 11 years ago

    Wow thank you so much for putting it in perspective a bit.

    I have signed up to a Zumba class near by and he hates that stuff so that'll definately be something I do alone lol. I also want to sign up to the library here and maybe join an indoor netball league.

    I do feel like I blame my boyfriend for my dependence on him. Tonight he suggested that maybe he was to blame for it, but I assured him it is just my condition, which I have to keep telling myself as well. I wonder sometimes if I would be better off single, just to gain my independence again. But then I remember that he is everything I've ever wanted in a man and if he is willing to stick by me though this then I shouldn't need to be single to be independent. I know he is here to support me and he will be for a long time. I feel very lucky. This also makes me feel guilty for wanting him around all the time and needing to know where he is.

    Thank you for helping me to see that although I am weary of being away from him, he will always be there when I come back, and that having my own life is more of a requirement in a relationship rather than an option. I feel so much better and I will refer to your comment when I need to be reminded of these things.

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