Im feeling sad , anxious and uncertain tonight….I just paid for a people search and….I think I may have found the daughter I have never met…

Let me back up about 32 years ago…..There was a woman….who wanted something to cal her very own. She came from an abusive background , the details of which I\'m unsure of to this day. But whatever the reason, she set out to have a baby. And what better way to have a no strings attached baby donor, but by a young confused guy who is pretty sure he is gay but wants to be absolutly certain. He has never had a woman really want him…much less chase him. So his ego is stroked and his confusion increases until…

Whan I found out my friend was pregnant, I did what any good little southrn boy would do and said "Well of coures we\'\'ll get married. We have to give the baby a name if nothing else!" 

My friend actually laughed. She said you silly boy, I wasn\'t looking for a husband, I wanted a baby!….but thanks."

Ouch….

She attachinged herself to a male gay couple as their "housekeeper" untill she was nearly full term ….then about her eight month along…she vanished.

My life was a turmoil of survival and adjustment for years and when I was finally able to think about her I found out through her stepmother that she was living on the west coast and totally astranged from her fatther.

Her stepmother gave me the mothers phone number and I called her….

After a few niceities, I asked about my daughter…The mother said that they were "both just fine and that unless I had won the lottery, there was really no reason to call back." Cold.

At that time, my daughter was stil a minor and I had no resourses of my own….just a desire to know if this was my daughter…The mother had let me know earlier that she had "stacked the cards" to insure that she becme pregnant…so it was a crap shoot as to whether or not I was even the biological father…

Recently I saw a episode of a show calle The Locator" and it brought up the old urge to find out …I grew up with two childhood friends who were adopted and never found their birth parents…it always left an empty place in their lives . I feel that at the very least , I owe this girl the knowledge of where she came from. I have very little expectations for myself. I want her to have the option to say " I knw who my father is"…or say: " Go to hell ". I don\'t expect a teary introduction like in the movies…I just want to do the right thing. Everyone deserves to know where they come from.

This evening on a hunch, I Googled her name and the city that I knew she was in last. Her Name actually came up in a reply to a newspaper artice in that city !  It actually h included her phone humber and email address.

Not believeing in coincidence but still not convinced that it could be that easy aftera ll these years, I paid for a background search on the same name….

It came up with Her name, her most recent address ….and a phone number that matched the person number  in the newspaper article.

Now Im left with the uncertanty of what to do next….I have what I am fairly certain is her email address….I think that an email would be the best course of action….a cold call would probably be tto much of a shock. I have no idea what her mother has told her, but knowing her mothers negative view of men, she may haf told her that her father is dead…I wouln\'t  pu it past the woman.She raised our daughter on  Welfare rather than ask anyone for help and exhibited some pretty sociopathic behavior when I knew her.  God only knows how my daughter feels about men….

I\'m torn….I\'m uncertain…..anxious…..and sad.