I used to think I had real friends and that I could always count on them. As time passed, I began to lose them one by one. At first I thought “Okay, this person doesn’t care anymore. But it’s fine. I have others.” Oh, but it did not stop there and I almost went crazy overthinking: “What the hell did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough for this person? What’s wrong with me?”
I began to hate everything and everyone. I had some really dark days, weeks, months. I missed my old “friends” so much…but I managed to hold myself back from desperately reaching out to them. I then realised that I can’t keep them in my life if they no longer find me worthy of their time. Well I’m sorry I’m not that happy-happy joy-joy person, but my damn genetics screwed me up and so did life. I’m not a “normal” person, I have so many issues that I can’t even count, I know that. But know this: I care, I do and when I say I connect deeply, I really do. I hate superficial relationships.
But well, my “friends” didn’t seem to wanna put up with my crap anymore. So one day I thought “Wow, I’m so lucky I still have one good friend!” And it was incredible, she only had me and I only had her. But it was the best shoulder that I ever cried on. It was like looking into a mirror, everything seemed to be synchronized in our friendship. We bonded even deeper because we only had each other. But that changed: her old “friends” started talking to her again, now that she was getting a little better. So she began to share with these people more than she used to share with me.
She slowly began to ghost me bit by bit. At first I thought it’s my fault. See, she was getting better and I wasn’t. I was happy for her, I know she went through hell so she deserved it more than anyone. But for whatever reason, she thought I’m jealous. I wasn’t. I was happy she felt 20% better than me. But here comes the point where she began to judge me for not being able to keep up, to get better like she was. She finally saw me as I saw myself: a toxic human being, someone who was holding her back. So I let her go, I didn’t stop her. She told me that she’s looking for “something more” in a friendship, that I wasn’t trying hard enough to get better. She said she needed someone to go out with, someone who’s capable of leaving their comfort zone. And that’s it. She said some really awful things too, some things I would never say to someone as depressed as we both were. It was like she forgot how awful she was feeling 3 seconds ago.
But that’s okay. My heart broke for the last time. Angry and betrayed, I promised that I’ll never have a friend again. I’ll never trust people again.
As I stared at my phone reading that cruel conversation between us over and over again, I could not believe she gave up on me. I realised that I’ll never get better. She was my safety net and I was hers. But that was over, so I really felt I’m not gonna make it without her.
And here I am, missing and mourning all the dead friendships that I wasn’t good enough to be a part of. Last year in November I was at my lowest point ever. I was closer to ending my life more than I ever was. Friendless and worthless, I sat alone crying for hours thinking what a loser I am. But I didn’t end it, though it was so hard to resist. I waited for the hell in my soul to cool down and it did. I’m glad I’m still here. With friends or not, I’ll keep fighting this awful life sentence: dysthymia. Never give up, people. And when you do get better, please remember this quote(I can’t remember it, so I’m just gonna paraphrase it:
When you do wake up, do not judge those who are still sleeping.
Be humble and never forget that we’re all different, we evolve in our own rhythm. Remember that you were asleep once, too. ☺