Its been a nightmare, these past few months.  My anxiety and OCD have been through the roos, and the 60 mgs of Paxil has done jag squat, in fact its made things a lot worse.  Its been giving me the most awful, vivid nightmares about my boyfriend doing haorrible things to break my heart, and every night they get more realistic, thats if I'm LUCKY ENOUGH, to fall asleep.

For the past month and a half, I have gotten little to no sleep.  My nights either consisted of not falling asleep until 4 am, waking up at 9am, or just never falling asleep at all, not even being able to take a nap during the day because my body JUST WOULDN'T LET ME.

I didn't switch off of the Paxil right away, because I was trying to see if maybe it just needed more time to work right, nevermind the fact that I've been on every SSRI imaginable, and I don't know if there are any other ones that I can try. I've been on zoloft, wellbutrin, prozac, paxil,luvox, effexor, and even risperdol, really nothing has worked, except for the risperdol, which basically just put me to sleep.  I really don't know if there is anything else I can do medicine wise at this point, and I can't afford $300 a session for a OCD specialist, so what the heck am I supposed to do? What is left?

I love the guy who I'm with more than anything, its been 9 months, and they've been the best, and hardest months of my life.  They're been the best because he is everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and yet they're the hardest, because the deeper I love him, the more severe my fears become of losing him.

I'm just so afraid of losing him because of being stupid…letting my OCD repel him from me, not being good enough for him, nnot deserving him, because right now, thats what I feel like I'm doing.  How is it possible that someone like me won't be alone for the rest of thier lives


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