all day and really all last night after 3 am( i couldnt sleep again+i\'ve been sick) i have been deathly afraid that something terrible is going to happen to me or a loved one. i used to feel like this as a kid alot. i would worry that my mom wouldnt come home from shopping or when she was late i would think that something horrible happened to her(car wreck or just all kinds of other things). and almost never was i right, so i now know yea, it was just part of my anxiety or ocd. but it was terrible.

but that kind of worrying really went away alot for the most part(as far as worrying that something bad would happen to a loved one every time they went out) as i got older.

but now, wel really since i was around 18 or so, occasionally i will get a similar feeling, i guess even since i was a little younger. but its a similar feeling that something will happen to a loved one but in a way it\'s different.its really hard to explain but one of the things is that i will just keep thinking of all the good times we had, all the great moments we shared, making it through tough times, places  we went, things we ate….anything we did. its a very awful feeling. i know it may be hard to understand but its really awful. and it really dosent happen all that much since i\'ve been older and like i said , it\'s a bit different from that feeling as a child. it makes me feel like i\'m constantly on the virge of a panic attack, more depressed than normal, just hollow, scared to be alone, and so much more. the messed up thing is that with this feeling that i get as i \'ve became older is sometimes when i\'m worried like this, things really do happen to loved ones…one time when feeling this way my stepdad had a heart attack and died but was revived, i felt this way for days before my brother went to prison, i felt like this one time when i was at my aunts house with my uncle splitting wood and my Mom fell and broke her wrist…when my grandma had a stroke….and there have been a few more things but i have to shorten this up cause im runnin late for my therapy appt.

i\'ve basically been on the virge of a panic attack since about 3 am. just to where i have that feeling up my spine and i feel detached from reality. i\'m so fucking scared it\'s rediculous. i\'ve also been so depressed that i\'ve wanted to hurt myself(which i won\'t do cuz i mad someone a promise but….fuck its so tempting)…and all of my actual real life stress is not helping at\'s been a horrid fucking day. and now i have therapy and my anxiety/ocd class 2nite. i feel so fucked up in the head, i feel like i\'ve fucking lost it.

But i have to say thanks to probably my best friend(and he is online). he has been there for me all day! as terrible as i felt and still do. he has been there for me to talk to… thanks Dead….it means alot man. it really does!

but wish me luck with this anxiety and therapy/ocd class. gotta go




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