My name is Marissa. I’m 21 years old. Im a recovering heroin addict, and fuck… this shit ain’t easy. This shit is for the birds. I kick myself in the ass everyday for even starting, for ever accepting that first hit of dope into my life. I was floating… I was care free, I was above the clouds and my problems were far far below… it got me, snatched me, devoured me.

I went to Florida this week to visit my family. It had been too long. I’ve missed my grandmother something awful, it was a good experience. On the plane ride back, I’m looking down on everything. The small cars, the small houses, the small everything. We are so small guys, we are the ants. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had this realization that, amoungst all these people, how will I ever find MY purpose? How… where is it. Why am I the way I am? Why is Mother Earth becoming such a waste land? So many houses, building, and favorites polluting the air and so little trees, grass, and nature. That in itself is depressing. This is depressing to me because, I just simply do not want to live in a world like this. I feel trapped and often find it hard to make the best of things.

Ive lost my boyfriends trust. I’ve lied too many times. I don’t want to be a liar, I don’t want to be this person. He’s an amazing person, but I make him so angry with my selfish unsettling actions. We fight, and I’m sad most of the time. I think he is too, but he loves me and he sees the good at me. He’s not ready to let go or give up… someday he will though, if I don’t change. And that’s just the kicker, how do I do it? Does anybody have an answer for me? I am lost and heart broken tonight. I’m damaged and the damage that has been done I brought upon myself. I’m weak, because I give into temptation and into my addiction. I’ve been in “recovery” for 6 months or so and I can’t even call it recovery. I haven’t recovered at all. I’m slipping and I’m falling. I feel the ground beneath me is constantly black ice. I also think I constantly just make things hard for myself. I am a fucked up individual as we all are. I feel I have no one to turn to. I feel I have no where to go. I need help.

Veronika. Long golden hair, big beautiful green eyes, and a heart of gold. My baby sister. Long were the nights I spent with her. They were usually sleepless. She was a wild child. Where were you mom? Where were you when I needed help. When I had school the next day but couldn’t get her to sleep… where were you when I needed you… I still do need my mom. I’m thankful that our relationship has blossomed, but I can never forget the foundation in which she built for me as she is my mother and mothers do that for their children, they help build there foundation. My foundation is put together in a half assed manor. The slabs of concrete don’t fit together, it’s sloppy and messy and fragile. Although this is true, I’m so glad it was me that it happened to. I’m glad the weight wasn’t on my sisters shoulders but mine. And I will continue to carry their weight if they ever asked it if me. The love I have for my sisters is undying. They are a part of me as I’m a part of them. Veronika saw me… she saw me shoot that shit in my veins. She watched me from the upstairs window. 11 years old. And the person she admired the most, just crushed her right before her eyes. And I’ll never forget… never.

 

My thoughts are sporadic and messy. My life is also this way. My heart is sinking to the bottom of the ocean that lies within me. I’m tired, and I’m broken. I’m also a little over dramatic as you can tell 😉

18… tin foil and a straw, and a powder that had the power to control a life and take a life, and I took it in, and held it in until I couldn’t anymore. Crashing on my bed after a few hits. Floating, smiling, loving. If I could take back the first time, you bet your mother fucking ass I would. Cause there isn’t anything better than a nice warm heated blanket in a snow storm. And once you know that feeling, you want it again.

1/20/17. 2:25AM.

Right now, I’m sad. Him and I are fighting. I didn’t do anything wrong this time for real I didn’t. But I’ve lost his trust so he doesn’t believe me. It breaks my heart to know that I’m such a shitty person sometimes. Selfish and greedy and stupid.

Im a CNA. I love taking care of people. I could do it for the rest of my life. I care about people. I honestly do. I’m a beautiful girl. I have a heart of gold, but a mind full of scary stuff. I have a good singing voice. I love music. I love writing poems (I’m a Libra, what are you?) I’m funny, kind, compassionate and generous. Im beautiful things and horrible things at the same time. You feel me? Please tell me you feel me? Right now, I don’t want to feel at all, right now I’m scared. I need help.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and be wisdom to know the difference.

1 Comment
  1. cheesygirch 3 years ago

    hey Marissa, thanks for sharing all of that. you are a really beautiful writer. that is also amazing that you are a CNA, what an important profession. i hear you when you say you are a caring and nurturing and funny. i have such beautiful thoughts and ideas to change the world and be positive but yes, i am also haunted by those scary negative thoughts. i really can relate. do you have anxiety or you’re just a nervous person. i’d love to chat more. stay strong 🙂

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