There was a time family was the most important thing in my life. Growing up my relationship with my dad’s parents was abusive, my grandfather singled me out because I looked like my dad who he hated. Out of 14 grandchildren, my grandmother chose 2 that she favored the most and made the rest of us know we were second best. There was not a room you could go into without seeing a picture of them, it’d make you think she only had two grandchildren. When I was 10 my parents had all they could take with their own mistreatment, so they severed ties. Unfortunately the damage was already done. I suffered the after effects of the abuse not only from my grandparents, but from my parents and sister. My earliest relationships were abusive and forced me to be more submissive because that’s how I survived. Anyways coming from a big family that was now divided there was few we spoke to. Also on my dad’s side was my aunt (my grandmother’ youngest sister) she was exceptionally kind and loving, she took us in and we developed a strong bond. Until one day my sister and I just weren’t enough anymore. It started with my not walking for my high school graduation (I also endured a horrific amount of bullying). She disregarded that trauma saying it was not reason enough for me to walk. 12 years of torture I had paid my dues. It then came to her attention I was choosing a creative path career wise instead of something “normal”. Writing saved my life when I hit bottom and again that was not enough reason to peruse such endeavors. I was constantly compared to her granddaughter who was 11 months younger than me. She practically threw a parade when her granddaughter decided to be a nurse. That’s great but that’s not where my life was taking me. When my book did come out, I didn’t tell her. By that point her doubt was insulting thinking I was still writing like when I was 16 (back when I had my stories but hadn’t really found my voice). The harsh insulting comments made me remove her from the most important part of my life. With my sister, she never had much luck dating and now she’s found the person she’s going to marry. They’ve been together for a year and living together. My aunt has met him once in a crowded bar and already assumed who he was and spread it to the other family. Her assumption formed an unfavorable opinion amongst the entire family and it’s not even true. She got my sister alone and lashed out at her for who she was dating. Getting us alone is not a fair fight. Even before that she started viewing us in a certain light. Comparing my father to his parents (another false comparison). With all these contributing factors, my want for a large family I’m just worn out. I can’t keep doing this, I’m getting too old to fight. I’ve been fighting long enough.

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