I am at my wits fucking end I'll tell ya that. I am full of fury and i want to unleash it and writing it down is all I have right now.

Ok here is the quick jiff of things-

The first year we dated I was 19 young and stupid. I enjoyed dating other people like a young stupid child and I broke up with him at 6 months to date this other guy… Well I dumped the other guy because I missed my ex. (After 2 weeks) So we finally got back together and moved in together. My stupid ass thought the guy I broke up with him for that possibly we all could be friends.. Well my boyfriend didnt like it (which I understand now… ) So I called that guy and told him off saying we never could be friends and never to call me. Things got settled.

Well its THREE FUCKING YEAR LATER! Ok yes three years later where nothing like this has happened. So in the middle of my sleep last night he decides to wake me up and ask me what this random number is in my phone. I told him no clue because honestly I have no FUCKING CLUE… well I think its one of my numbers of the girl I work with not sure but no clue…. So I wake up this morning and BOOM he says I feel asleep with my phone which I know is a TOTAL LIE because my phone wasnt even in the room when I went to bed.. but whatever so he asks me about it again so I told him I have no clue so I tried calling this morning and it went to a voicemail with no name… so of course no closer….

I am at my wits end because I dont believe he will ever forgive me. I know he checked my phone because he doesnt trust me. Well why is he marrying me then… I'm SO PUSHING the wedding back and I dont know if I can stay in this relationship even tho I love him but after three years of me not doing anything but care for him paying his bills and losing tons of my friends because of my exs. I'm done…. I want to cry my eyes out and I cant because I am at work and I am just so upset and I just cant take after everything that he doesnt trust me. He said he never has lied to me and now if he has no trust in me then I dont trust a word he says…….

Somebody help me!!!!! Tell me whatever you think I'm begging you so I have a thought from outside of this hell that I'm living. I just cant take that he doesnt trust me anymore after EVERYTHING…. Yes I was young and stupid and I figured out that I loved him and I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and after three years of devotion and I havent done anything wrong he still doesnt trust me. It is fucking KILLING ME! I guess I dont know where we stand right now and in my eyes I think I might give him the ring and say we arent ready because your trust issues. Who knows where this will take us but I'm even thinking of moving out because I just cant take the lieing to my face anymore about  how he trusts me.. Its just a lie so what else is right?