I had horrible dreams last night. Awful horrible nasty terrifying dreams. I didnt sleep well at all and I think I got only 2-4 hours.
The kids really gave me a hard time yesterday and again today. Hubby did step up and get on them when he got home but it still wore on me today.
A friend (the only friend I have who knows I have depression) asked me how i was today. I didnt really want to tell her because it usually freaks her out a little when I tell her the truth and its bad. She sort of wore me down and I ended up letting her know that I'm suicidal and spend 1/4 – 1/2 of the day in bed crying, im not really showering more than twice a week, not getting my stuff done like laundry and eating. I should have known better. She got very quiet and soon ended our conversation. I will likely not hear from her for a while and when i do she will act as though nothing happened.
At the moment, given how I am feeling I really feel the pull to isolate from people. I feel the need to let her not talk to me for a while. Im also not wanting to do the things that I have planned for the near future. Visiting people, etc.. The last time I felt this bad and I started to get better I wrote myself a couple notes. One says that life is always worth living and that dying would hurt my kids. The other says that I need to stay connected to my 3 friends. Right now I cant think of any reasons I would want to do either of those. I am trying to hang in there.
I've even found it difficult to log in here.
I am doing all I can. Trying my best. Reading some self help books even if all I can do is half a page sometimes. Idk for sure why I wrote this but I guess I am just trying to survive. Survive this depressive downswing one more time.