I had horrible dreams last night. Awful horrible nasty terrifying dreams. I didnt sleep well at all and I think I got only 2-4 hours.

The kids really gave me a hard time yesterday and again today. Hubby did step up and get on them when he got home but it still wore on me today.

A friend (the only friend I have who knows I have depression) asked me how i was today. I didnt really want to tell her because it usually freaks her out a little when I tell her the truth and its bad. She sort of wore me down and I ended up letting her know that I'm suicidal and spend 1/4 – 1/2 of the day in bed crying, im not really showering more than twice a week, not getting my stuff done like laundry and eating. I should have known better. She got very quiet and soon ended our conversation. I will likely not hear from her for a while and when i do she will act as though nothing happened.

At the moment, given how I am feeling I really feel the pull to isolate from people. I feel the need to let her not talk to me for a while. Im also not wanting to do the things that I have planned for the near future. Visiting people, etc.. The last time I felt this bad and I started to get better I wrote myself a couple notes. One says that life is always worth living and that dying would hurt my kids. The other says that I need to stay connected to my 3 friends. Right now I cant think of any reasons I would want to do either of those. I am trying to hang in there.

I've even found it difficult to log in here.

I am doing all I can. Trying my best. Reading some self help books even if all I can do is half a page sometimes. Idk for sure why I wrote this but I guess I am just trying to survive. Survive this depressive downswing one more time.

3 Comments
  1. borntired 9 years ago

    oh steph i was where you were just over two weeks ago, i feel right now that i am slowly coming out of it, i don't know if it is the meds or the counseling or both, but i am seeing a little peak of light

    yesterday i was up all day, but today i was in bed all day

    i am available anytime you want to talk, if you would like to text let me know in a message, i have two friends who know how depressed i am and one whom talked me down from suicide one night

    i enrolled the kids in time4learning so i don't have the pressure of homeschooling them right now

    hugs to you and i hope tomorrow is a better day

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  2. Aswa 9 years ago

    Life is always worth living because dying would hurt your kids.

    I once thought my daughter would be better off without me but I now know that is crap. My child gives me reason to live, yours will too.

    I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment 🙁

     

     

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  3. Silent_Sigh 9 years ago

    Stay strong hun. Easier said than done, I know, but you have friends here and we'll always listen to anything you need to say, or offer any advice we can.

    Sometimes friends that have never experienced depression before can struggle to understand, which in turn I think makes them a bit nervous when they hear about it. I often think as much as they want to help, they have no idea how to go about it, and often pull away because it's easier than thinking they've failed you as a friend. If and when she does get back in touch, acting as if nothing ever happened is more than likely her way of dealing with what you told her, simply because she has no other way to process and help with what's been said. At the same time, I'm sure if you were to ever ask why she ignore what you've told her, she'd probably break down and confess she has no idea how to help you or understand and she feels terrible for it.

    I really hope things start to get better for you soon. Never forget we are always here for you. You can message me anytime. Stay safe xx

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