I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a year now and I literally am still at ground zero. Sometimes I feel like I have it figured out but I just don’t know.
I can remember some parts of my childhood where I felt like “I wanted to be friends” with girls in my class. But I never thought more of it because I had no idea was being gay meant when I was younger.
I remember in middle school getting really uncomfortable because of what I thought were intrusive thoughts of me being attracted to women but I was able to push it away.
I did start liking boys. I think I’ve only ever had two serious crushes on boys. However, they both turned out to be terrible people and as I gave it some more thought, they both just had a nice face there was nothing else we really had.
As I got older in high school, I didn’t really have any crushes on guys. It was still kind of a want but there was no one I was really interested in. It wasn’t until my junior year I started really getting into lgbtq content.
Originally I used to think that being lgbtq was a sin but grew out of that narrative thankfully. I became a strong ally and even joined my schools GSA (gay straight alliance) club. However, I started to realize most straight people aren’t as “emotionally charged” (if you will) as I was about lgbtq content.
This led me into questioning. At first I denied because the thought of being with a woman s didn’t seem right for me. It was never in my interest so why now, right? However, I started realizing that maybe my “girl crushes” may be actual attraction.
So that led me down a spiral to where I said I had to be bi at least bc of my previous attraction of men. I should add that I had attraction to some boys like you’d see at random or some celebrities. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how I felt kind of weird about relationships with men and, my appeal for women started to increase.
But since the pandemic hit, I’m really lost since I can’t see people regularly. For the people I see, usually through social media, I keep asking myself “do I find him attractive or is it just aesthetic attraction?” and “do I really like her or is it just aesthetic attraction?”
sorry this was super long but I needed to spill my guts out somewhere.
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Thank you, for sharing this post! I have found this very helpful and I can relate so much to what you have said in many ways. I have struggled for years trying to be someone the world would expect a man like me to be. I have always thought most women where beautiful and would consider myself lucky to one day be with one and maybe even get married. However, I have also been finding men to be very attractive and appealing in my life as well. I from a young age have noticed that I was different than most boys at the time. I never understood at the time what was different about me until the years went by and I got older. It had become clear to me that I’ve been living so unhappy for a long time. I had a great childhood and great friends and a lot of good people I got to grow up with but in the end I still was very unhappy. Sorry for this long comment but to keep it from being to much I have been questioning myself for many years now and even still do today. I hope you choose to share more on here because your story helped me out and that’s why I have decided to sign up on here too. Just wanted to leave this comment here to thank you.
I was always gay but those feelings and desires didn’t surface until the last six weeks or so. didn’t know, but when the catharsis unfolded, I knew it was true. Now I am trying to figure it out, what being gay is. Can anyone relate to this?
I can relate to this. All of it. The history, the confusion, and definitely the lostness. I initially “made peace” with the reality that I am bi. I mean, I must be right? Because I was/am attracted to men and I gathered that my feelings and draw towards women must be attraction. And initially I was fine with that. Except I recently started to question this again because it just doesn’t feel right. Now I’m wondering if perhaps I’m gender fluid. Perhaps that will explain why sometimes I am attracted to one or another gender, while at other times the thought of being intimate a man or a woman feels threatening, like I am being drowned. And I hate that I can’t explain it, or predict when it will happen. I hate that it makes me feel guilty, or broken. I hate that I don’t know what it means, or how to fix it, or even if it needs fixing.
I don’t really know if I can help you understand what you’re going through or help you feel any less lost, but I thought you should know that you’re not alone in the lostness. If you want to discuss it more, please do.