Trying to keep my head above water. This thing just ate a blog. Ace told me to write them in Word first to keep that from happening, but when I do that, they languish there, unfinished. When I spill my thoughts spontaneously like this, I may make more spelling errors and lose some blogs, but I usually get my thoughts out there.
I wasn’t ready for this most recent manic episode. It’s hard being reminded how quickly I can lose control. And, I do lose control. I don’t understand myself, or why I do the things I do, sometimes. It was at it’s worst the first couple days of the whole episode. My mind was racing like mad, and I was so caught off guard. It’s like watching a movie that moves to fast for you disbelief to catch up. I am almost an observer at times, because the feelings and impulses hit me so fast, I don’t feel like I can catch my breath, or question what’s happening – nothing sane or rational even occurs to me – shit just starts to unfold before I even realize what I am doing, and by the time I do, I am usually neck deep. I am so lucky I was able to check myself before this spiralled into me picking up some smack, and setting myself up a shot. It was in my head like mad – thoughts about how futile this all is, and how, on a long enough timeline, I am bound to fail, so why am I making myself suffer like this? Stupid shit… I am so miserable. I have plans today that I have to cancel because this health thing has rendered me unable to do much. So tired and achy… may have to go the doc or the hospital. I have an appt. on the 15th but that may not be soon enough. This could be bad – I think it is my endometriosis flaring up (it’s been chill for years), but who knows? Could be any number of things…
and that’s a little scary. Now that I have been off smack for 6 months, I am starting to realize just how bad off I am – physically, psychologically. I knew it wouldn’t all go away, when I cleaned up. I knew the Bipolar Disorder and the PTSD and the anxiety would still be there, but I also knew the H made it way the hell worse. I guess I was hoping for more relief than I got. But, it has made a big difference, and the meds do help. They don’t make it go away, but they do help. I am trying. Really trying…
Yesterday, someone told me that I am becoming a different person, and that has been happening since I kicked (in response to me saying I have always been bad). This broke my heart for a couple reasons. One being, was I that awful before? Really? I have been trying so hard to overcome the notion that there has always been something innately wrong with me. Another reason it hurt is that – I know I am not that different. No closer to being the person I am supposed to be… I am still so lost. Maria told me once that the person I wanted to be was still inside me – always was – that it was just hiding from all the pain, under all these layers of defensiveness and escapism – because I had been throught too much. She used to say that, before she disappeared into her own hell.
I miss her so much.
Just rocked out with Charlie. He rocks that guitar. I love singing. It makes me feel a little better, and I think we sound good together. We should. We have had 7 years to find a rhythm. "Isabella" is my favorite song to sing with him. Not romantic, but it’s a good song, and I think we rock it well.