So, the big day came up, the day that I decided to tell my stepdad about me dropping outta college for the last three semesters :/ I was with a great deal of anxiety and it even put me in a major state of depression. I arrive to my stepdads house and avoid telling him anything to him for about 30 min until the conversation turns into talking about my lil sister's grades and how good shes doing and the he asked : When will i see yours??? I lowered my head in fear and dissappointment and preceeded with telling him the truth.
The response wasnt the one that I expected, he didnt even asked the reasons why and all he did was to chuckle, got up and as he walked away he said: Good now i dont have to waste 27k in ur education. I somehow felt relief from telling the truth and could literally feel the anxiety leaving my body, for a moment I felt rejoiced that this was over. Now the interesting part comes in, the part where he tells me that I have to pay for my own school and that this current semester he cant pay for it. I do understand his point, i mean I wasted his money and my time In school for the last two years.
Now i feel like shit, not only for admitting this to my stepdad and the fact that my college career is on the line. I'm suppose to be studying for my Chem and Math exams that are coming up on wed and thurs of the next week, but i feel so down and dissappointed that I cant concentrate or study or even get close to the books.
Honestly at this moment in life I feel like shit, and Im thinking that dropping outta school is my best option right (AGAIN) and I know that my therapist told me that this is how I cope, with avoidance, but this time I feel that I need to get another job and start saving up money and pay this current semester that im enrolled in.
I cant stop feeling like a failure, the fact that Im 22 and I have only completed my freshman year of college. My stepdads response only made realised what I already knew, that he doesnt really care about me. that he was in this because of my mom and I understand that.
The real challenge will come when I have to face my mom. Shes currently in mexico awaiting for her visa and permanent resident card (yes, Im undocumented) and shes going thru alot right now to the point where my stepdad decided not to tell her anything until she returned to Indiana.
Anyways, I will drop out and i know that not all doors are closed to me, but right now I need to care of myself, complete therapy, take my medication and just work to pay for this semester and work towards the HUGE medical bills that have in debt. I need help and I dont know where to go. Im lost.