Ok….I havent brought this up for a while….

But I have a lot of things going through my mind that i need to type out…so bare with me 🙂

This is a very touchy subject….

When I was 9 – I was sexually abused by my friends brother who then was about 16/17.

At the age of 9 you dont really know what things are…I know I didnt….He would touch me in places I didnt want him to touch but he said "everyone does it, only pretty girls get it " 

Me being young and not understand….I believe this I believed someone I knew and who I thought I could trust. What 9yr old wouldnt right? or am i wrong? should i have known?

Anyway…This carried on for quite some time…he would make me touch him in places I really didn't want to touch…He would move my hand and hold it there and when I tried to move it away  He would say the usual  " everyone does it,  Its what  people do,  you're get picked on if you dont" 

I remember always trying to avoid him….but always somehow managed to get to that horrible place again..with him!

He would say stuff to make sure I didnt tell anyone such as my parents…Said I would be send to a care home and be adopted out. This scared me so much!

My friend who was always there knew what was happening…but I think he was too afraid to speak out encase he got into trouble too…so it was like a little secret between 3 of us. 

One day…It went too far… He tried to put it in me and it hurt so much I screamed and started crying so he got off me and I ran all the way home crying and crying….I burst into more tears and told my mum what had been happening….Thing is I was so embarrassed …My nan was there, My mum was there and then 2 police officers were there..and me! me against 4 adults! I didn't know what to say, I didnt know what any of it meant. I felt dirty and ashamed…and I felt naughty! I was convinced I was going to get bullied at school, or get adopted out! All I remember saying was " he touched me there " I had to point to little stick figures! 

I wish I had told them everything I really do…. because nothing happened. He wasn't charged, He was still allowed to live over the road from me. Years after that I got nothing but abuse and grief from him and his family members…calling me all the names under the sun! What did I do wrong? I used to think to myself. 

I hate it, Sometimes I can still smell him, See his face near mine. All my past relationships including this one with James…It's so difficult…I feel dirty after I have sex sometimes….and I always tense up because I'm convinced it will hurt!  

All these years later and its still at the back of my mind….

It annoys me so much…They must have picked up on the fact that I was nervous and so young….I didnt know what he was doing to me…I just knew it hurt. Im so angry with myself for not telling them Everything in detail! maybe if I had something would have been done?

Every my friend who witnessed it…after  I had left…this dick had threatened my friend saying " If u tell anyone about this I will tie bricks to your legs and drown you in the lake " my friend told the police what had happened and about the threat….but still nothing got done…Why was he allowed to walk free and live next door? and why did i have to suffer the abuse from him and his family? 

I wish I could forget it….but I just cant. I regret not speaking up sooner, I regret not telling them everything…..