I'm 54. I've struggled with depression my entire life. I've been on just about every kind of anti-depressant there is. For the last 9 months I've been taking Nardil, an old MAOI. It has some risks associated with it but it's working better than the newer stuff.

It's been a rough 12 months. I started having a bad tremor in my right hand. My handwriting was illegible. I couldn't hold a fork to eat. My Pdoc thought it might be the Wellbutrin I was taking so I went off of it. I was doing accounting work (same employer for 5 1/2 years) and I started making little mistakes. But there's no such thing as little mistakes in accounting and my boss started writing me up. Suddenly I went from having great evaluations to being on final notice, my job hanging by a thread. I had been open with my boss about my depression problem before, so I told her I thought it might be my change in meds. They called a meeting with the big boss and HR and decided I should go on FMLA leave. Thankfully I had disability insurance.

Since I wasn'r going to be working, I thought it would be a good time to really change up my meds since I wasn't feeling that hot anyway. I went off all meds for 2 weeks then started on the Nardil. After 4 weeks I started feeling better so I went back to work. But I made another mistake and they put me back on leave. I knew that when I returned from leave I would have to go 9 months without another mistake or be fired for cause – no unemployment. I had 3 months savings in the bank.

At that point I became suicidal. I managed to find a couple of undepressed brain cells and hawled myself down to the Psychiatric Emergency Service. I had no health insurance and only disability insurance for income but they were able to find a spare bed at a private hospital and the county paid for it. I was only there for 4 days but it did help get me back from the edge. They changed my sleep med and it seemed to help. I got to where I didn't feel suicidal, but I did think I might end up homeless. I actually did research on shelters and everything. I went home and stayed on leave for another 4 weeks. Between the first leave and the second I was off work for 12 weeks.

I went back to work on a Monday. With my job hanging by a thread, I knew I needed to start looking for something else. I had been doing the accounting thing for about 12 years and was ready for something new anyway. On Tuesday the called a company meeting. The warehouse that I worked in was being sold and everyone associated with it, about 60 people, were being laid off in 60 days. We would get severance pay and unemployment. I almost burst out laughing at the irony of it all. But things started to get weird. They started pressuring people to leave before the lay off so they wouldn't have to pay unemployment. The big boss threatened to fire me so that I wouldn't get severance pay either. Considering my track record with mistakes, I started looking for a new job HARD.

I put up my resume on the job boards right away. I got a call from an insurance company looking for sales agents. I wanted to do something different, so I figured I might as well look into it. I went to a couple of seminars and they called me back for an interview. I didn't get the job, but I decided I wanted to give the insurance business a try. I got more calls from insurance companies and went on several interviews. One company gave me an open offer that as soon as I got my license, they would have a job for me. I knew it would be 100% commission but I was thrilled. I went ahead and quit the old job, rather than get fired, and got my severance pay. With that I had about 6 months living expenses in the bank. I thought it would be plenty.

It wasn't. The first insurance company was kind of a scam and at the very least a bad match. I spent 2 months training and was never given the opportunity to make a sale. I found a new agency. They said they had a great training program. What they didn't say was that I was the very first trainee for my trainer. She had been a good agent, but she didn't have a clue how to train. I made no sales because I wasn't getting appointments and they terminated me. I got a call from another agency the same week.

So I'm on my third, and last, agency. I actually felt pretty hopeful about this one, and I have had a couple of appointments but no firm sales. I am out of money – flat broke. I had to borrow money from my brother to pay bills this month and I'm looking for another job. I've had two interviews and didn't get either job. To make matters worse, I woke up with a bad pain in my right knee a week ago. I could hardly walk and at one point it actually gave out and i fell flat on my face.

I've spiraled into a deep depression. As much as I can, I fill out job applications online, but sometimes i'm just suicidal and have the covers pulled over my head. I went into my roommate's room today and looked for his gun. I know he has one. I wasn't planning on using it today, but I wanted to know where it is. I didn't find it though.

Right this minute I feel pretty good. I guess instead of taking things day by day, I'll take them minute by minute. I have to rewrite my resume and fill out some more job apps – lots of them. I'm going to drag myself back to my 100% commission insurance job this week and try to get some appointments, then spend my evenings filling out more job apps. As much as I think about killing myself, I might as well wait til I'm actually on the street without a car. Maybe I'll have a job before then.

1 Comment
  1. LadyGodiva 10 years ago

    Yes, MissBe, I was diagnosed with Essential Tremor.  I took some meds for it for a while and they did help, although my handwriting was still pretty funky.  At least I could eat without throwing food across the table.  But then I started having memory problems and there was a possibility that the tremor meds were the cause so I cut my dose in half.  The tremor didn't get worse, so I just stayed at that dose, but then when I got laid off I lost my health insurance and couldn't afford anything but my anti-depressants.  I dare not go off those!  Oddly enough, the tremor has gone away for the time being, so at least that's one problem I'm not having to deal with.

    Most of the time I don't want to die.  I feel like I have a good heart and a broken brain.  I am going to apply for disability but I've heard it takes a long time to get it, if I can get it.  I do have a therapist and we've discussed the possibility of me applying before.  Oddly enough, my sister in law is a therapist as well and she's suggested it.  I love her and my brother and I wouldn't want to mess up their nice life by killing myself.  It's just sometimes it seems like the only option.  But there are homeless shelters and maybe I'm going to end up in one.  I'd just rather find a job!

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