sooooo…i'm going to try to make this shorter than last time. lol that was a little pathetic, but i'm pretty pathetic. i am doing better today than last night, which is SOOO COOL. i'm just going to put stuff that i would usually tell my sponser or my therapist. i used to call my sponser every single day and i saw my therapist once a week… so since i moved and relapsed big time, i haven't really talked much to either of them. i had my sponser for 1 1/2 and my therapist for going on 3 years now the same one on and off. i love them both and trusted them. uhh anyways,  so this whole situation has been so hard for me to realize and it's been a month since it happened. every single day i am so sad that i lost my little home. ya know? i lived there for almost a freakin year, and that's the longest i've ever lived anywhere since i was 8 years old, no lie either man.  i had my own washer and dryer, i had cable, internet, i had my art room that i painted in… my job at the resturant was downstairs! and the store was like literally right beside my house, and all the meetings were within walking distance. i don't drive so it was like so awesome. i thought my life was a gift ya know that god reallly really reallly super was like happy about me doing good and gave me even more than i could imagine. probably no one understands how happy i was. i did everything on my own as far as paying bills and rent and i even helped others too. i would buy my friends food and stuff. i loved living alone and cleaning all the time and everything was always in place and i loved my life. i relapsed though of course like i always do….and now i'm here. i'm happy i have a place to stay, i have my own room and my bed and things are in here and i have my cat…. it's just there's always the consequences that we, as addicts have to deal with once we make that decision to pick up man… i mean i am sooo grateful to be staying here, these people, i barely even knew them when i moved it, shit i met the chick 2 times before this, and the guy i had never even seen before ya know… the  night i moved in, i don't even remember that day, everyone said i knodded out at the table when we went out to eat and it took me like 10 minutes to decide what i wanted to drink. it's sad,i threw up for 2 days i hadn't did dope in over a year ya know. anyways….i'm having problems peoples… lol real bad. i need to tell someone before i lose myyyy crazy mind. like i said, i love the people i'm staying with! yes i do! but it's so difficult for me to deal with some things, like i am a clean freak………they aren't………………….omg i am going nuts….i can't handle it…… what am i going to do?????? i have been doing all the dishes and there so god so many and i clean and sweep and have been taking out the trash like every other day there are two bags and have been taking out the garbage on garbage days and the other day there were like 15 bags!!! from them not putting it out!! and it was nasty and ohh lordy…. i hate living with men. men yuck. no offense…but forreal. i'm gay and i'm so happppy about that…lol never will i have to live with a guy again i hope, but jesus it's like please don't piss on the toliet!!!! just leave the seat up!!! i have weird issues about cleaning. people in my bed other than my girlfriend freaks me out, like i don't want people touching my things ever and it's happening all the time. i'm laying in my bed right now and i'm serious all i can think of is how many freakin people have been sitting on my bed and how i can like almost imagine all the germs. uhhhhhhhh…. but here's the thing.. i have problems telling people how it is, especially when they are being so nice and letting me stay here. i have been giving them money everytime i get some, whether i'm just buying them some soda or food or something ya know. i'm going to reinburst(sp) them once i get a job. forreal, i'm not that fuckedup anymore ya know. anyways that's problem #1… problem #2 , i used to be a kleptomaniac…..i would get money off my mom when i was younger to buy food and things like shampoo and clothes, whatever, well i'd steal everything and use the money obviously for dope…lol but it was horrible….i finally got arrested because they set me up!! lol i guess i stole like over $1000 from this place like through a period of time and they got me on camrea…it was right before my 17th birthday so i didn't get anything…lol and then i got arrested for it again like 5 months later. blah, so yea i stopped doing it ya know….well i fucking started again dammit. i stole fucking grateful beads today from these hippie shop people, and i stole a stupid febreeze airfresh refiller thing for my uhhh the thing that plugs in the wall.. and the other day i stole facewash…. and i'm sad about this stuff. i don't want to be bad. lol but it's addicting, til i get caught, right? and i wasn't old enough to go to jail then for it, but now i am, and i've been to jail and that place is shiiiitty. anyways, so i am wondering if god is mad at me? mad at me for using then for asking kristin's mom for cigarettes and for accepting money from NA Friends and for stealing, and talking bad about the people i stay with (about how it's not clean) i don't talk about them, i just have a problem with obsessive cleanness. my problem, not theirs.. anyways, i am alone. my girlfriend gets out of rehab next saturday, she's been in florida in a 30 day program. i talk to her everyday and we send letters back and forth and i miss her so bad.  but i think god is pissed at me for being so worthless. i told god when i was in jail that if he got me out i would help people for him. i remember when i was there i hated it so bad man, i was dope sick and the crazy lady in my cell pissed all over my blankets and stole my kool-aid…grrr. i just prayed over and over god get me out of here i need to be helping people i promise. and i got out ya know….and the only reason i went to jail that time was because i was going to kill myself one day i was on my way to get the dope to do it, and right before we left, i prayed over and over probably 25 times i swear, i said i don't care what you do man, god just help me please show me something. lol COPS pulled us over for no sticker on the windshield!! i had soooo much shit on me too i mean jus spoons and all that fun stuff…those cops loved that, they fucking put my needles and spoon and everything across their car for all the people driving down the highway to see!!! i was like i hate you god. but ANYWAYS i lose track reallly quickly….. it's thundering. what i need to put now is that i texted the guy downstairs last night…..around 5am…. i just put "i want heroin" because i was crying and couldn't take it anymore….he calls me today when i'm feeling better and says hes got a dude down there that can get me what i'm looking for. i was like nah realfast and hung up.  it was weird….way weird….god…it's hard living in the ghetto like area of town…guys downstairs party hard. he has been not leaving me alone because he says he wants to convert me to not being a lesbian? yea ok. lol and this really nice  man from NA around here like i think is trying to get with me too, we switched numbers and he keeps wanting me to come over. i'm so sad i just need help, not taken advantage of. that guy has like 4 years clean too. it's hard when i move ya know, go to new meetings, new faces, dont know who to trust. when i lived in another town i trusted this man who had some time and everyone said he was really nice ya know he had a good name and he let me stay there once and i woke up to his fat ass on top of me ……………and he would not let me up……i tried to get up like 15 times and he wouldn't let me go. it sucked, not that big of a deal anymore i should have known better.  i guess he mentioned doing something fuckedup to some1 while he was clean when he did his lead soon after that…. anyways…..lol i'm bored and can't sleep anymore. nope, never it sucks. anyways, i'm just hoping i can be strong ya know. like how strong can i be with out using or doing something terrible like hurting myself??? i am def. not doing well..i can't sleep, i have food to eat, but i think i'm gaining weight so it's like i want to go run 10 miles lol and the whole cleaning thing is driving me insane i swear. no one picks up anything. there's cans everywhere and things spilled all over the place. i clean the toliet everytime i pee….lol i'm looooooooosing it. but the thing is also…i would have already booked a flight far away by now, infact i did, but i canceled it LOL because kristin, my girlfriend, wants me to stay be here for her when she comes back, and i love her. i really think she's my soulmate. sooo i gotta be strong not just for me, but for her =) anyways, i typed so much again. i hope i can sleep now lol no more secrets!!!! i usually tell everyone my secrets during meetings, but i didn't get to make it to one today, plus those people always laugh at me and then i get really nervous and lose my train of thought. i just have to tell on myself always, because if it stays in me, it makes me sicker. so if some1 actually read this i'm so sorry i write so much. it's keeping my mind off the fact theres good shit downstairs lol that i really don't want, but do want, but don't ya know? i want recovery, i want life, not death. i'm going to sleep now! goodnight =)